I know it's irrational. It's been re-booked and the seller has arranged an indoor. The shipper knows. But I'm not having an easy time of it.
Ed is doing his best to calm me down. Last night he said "this is not like you at all. Why are you so panicked ?it will be fine"
And then it hit me as to why.
"because a couple months ago I rode in the morning and then buried my horse in the afternoon"
So there you have it. I'm still dealing with the fall out of Steele's senseless death. The thing that seems to help the best is writing. Feel free to stop reading what is, essentially, part of my grieving process.
I'm terrified that things will go wrong because they go wrong. My worst times are at night- in that moment between waking and sleeping when all guards are down I find myself back in the swamp. It doesn't happen every night but it happens so often that it's starting to feel familiar.
Reason tells me that there's no reason to worry. Not really. I just need to keep repeating it to myself.
Wonderful Charlante is coming soon - your angst understandable. If it were me, I wouldn't be able to let my fears go without some assurances/compensation from the dog owner.
ReplyDeleteHave you or Ed talked to him? If so, what is his plan going forward to prevent the dogs from running livestock again? (Especially since they are now proven dangerous.)
Any thoughts at all on suing him?
Sounds a bit like ptsd to me. (spoken from personal experience)
ReplyDeleteSteele's death was a particularly shocking / devastating incident. It would have been hard enough to process if you had come upon someone else's horse in the same situation. A million times worse because of the depth of your relationship with Steele.
Waiting to finalize the purchase of Charlante must be excruciating. My fingers are crossed for you!
PSTD is real. After my sister passed I feared every one that I knew could die at any time. Even myself. Even our new parakeet at the time. It took a long time for that part to go away and it still creeps in sometimes. Like being caught off guard is the worst of it.
ReplyDeleteTrauma can definitely affect us in unexpected ways. I had a hard time not imagining all the ways my living loved ones could die after experiencing a death in the family. I practically had a panic attack whenever they drove off in a car, thinking that could be the last time I see them. People say that hoarding is an illogical manifestation of having lost someone. Some people hang onto material possessions, even trash, because they are so afraid of loss. For years, I woke up every morning dreading what was going to go wrong today.
ReplyDeletethank you everyone for letting me know that I am not crazy.
ReplyDeleteYou most certainly aren't crazy! My horse didn't die, she just had a long, drawn out, expensive vet journey and I'm still waiting for everything to go south and the vet to tell me "it's enough, time to let go", even though she is actually recovering very well. That's just a tiny tiny portion of what you went through so I don't blame you for finding it hard to calm down.
ReplyDeleteOnly time will fix it. :(
I don't blame you at all. I'd be nervous and excited and stressed about this, even without what happened to Steele. Deep breaths. It will all work out the way it is meant to.
ReplyDelete(((Teresa))) if you havent heard it already, Ill repeat -
ReplyDelete"it WILL be okay."
xoxox
Sometimes saying "there's no reason to worry" is useless because life has reminded us there are plenty of reasons to worry. Shit can and does happy all the time. Instead k tell myself not to worry because life is too short and I can't stop the big shit from worrying.
ReplyDeleteTotally understandable that you are on tenterhooks. Charlante will be yours soon. I agree with Mrs Shoes that taking steps to minimise the risks of another dog incident is wise. Have you thought about counselling? You suffered such a deep trauma. So many emotions are bound to keep cropping up and taking you by surprise.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. The year anniversary of Storm's death was last week and I've been crying every day since... grief sucks, but we have to deal with it. Everything with Charlante will be okay. She's safe and sound and she will be home with you before you know it. I'll keep my fingers crossed the weather gets better so that the process can speed up a little.
ReplyDeleteYour concern amd worry are totally normal and completely justified. What happened to Steele was horrible and you're still coming to terms with his loss. It's going to be awhile before you can relax and be "normal" again. It sounds like you are healing, but it's a long process and anyone who gets over something like that in a few days or weeks...well...I think that once you have Charlante on your property and you can see her and touch her, you won't feel quite as anxious. I think NQB has a good point about counseling, but maybe try starting a journal. Write down your feelings about all of this. I know blogging is supposed to be like a journal, but I'm talking about something you keep to yourself. Not let anyone, except maybe Ed, read. It might prove to be very cathartic for you and is kind of like counseling. It's a thought...
ReplyDeleteSending hugs. The horrible loss of Steele will always be with you (although time does help). When I put Blue down (tear in his colon) I beat myself up on the details of the what ifs of the situation. Although he was a senior horse he was in good health and his passing was very sudden and has left a scar on my heart forever. I try to look at Blue's passing as a reminder to enjoy every moment with my horses because you never know how much time you have (which sounds kind of morbid... but it helps me for some reason). Blue taught me many lessons that have helped me become a better horseperson and I can share them with my young horses as his legacy.
ReplyDeleteHi Teresa. I definitely do not think you're crazy. In fact, I think your fears are the rational response of a human who has suffered the devastating and completely unexpected loss of a loved one, and a very young loved one at that. My heart believes all will be well with Charlante...and that the next chapter of your life is about to begin. I also feel that having her to focus on will divert some of your grief and grieving. But I don't think it will alter the overall process. It takes time. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself all the time you need. Maybe look at it this way. If you had had to leave Steele, I am certain your soul would have wished him another person to love him as you did. Steele loved you as much as you loved him...and I truly believe his soul will celebrate Charlante alongside you and will wish you the joy of her. A final gift from your beautiful boy...
ReplyDeleteThe senseless thing that happened with loosing Steele will always be there but as Steele told you at the edge of that forest , you must go on and give of yourself and love and above all keep positive my friend.
ReplyDelete