It's all Over

I cannot believe that I'm typing this. I keep starting and stopping but I am filled with such rage and sorrow that it needs to come out.

Steele is gone.

In a horrible, tragic, senseless accident.

I rode him this morning and we went on our first solo hack in the woods. I was so happy. I had some friends drop over and when they were getting ready to leave I saw two strange dogs in the yard. When I went out I saw Irish running frantically and Steele in the neighbours field. I screamed for Ed, grabbed a halter and lead and took of running.

I called Steele and he saw me but one of the huskys went after him and he bolted again. I saw him go through the fence and then into the swamp. Where he fell. I ran up to him, he was wet and totally panicked. I put on his halter and spoke soothing to him. He tried to get up but fell. And fell again. And again.

Ed has caught up to me and I told him to call the fire department and the vet and put Irish away. He ran back to the house while I desperately tried to keep Steele's head above the water. It was the longest time in my life. I also asked Ed to call a neighbour who had a lot of experience with horses. He arrived right before the fire department. We realized that his hind leg was trapped in the swamp under some branches and muck. The vet called and I told her to come right away. Steele was going into shock. He would struggle, each time more feebly. He started to tremble and close his eyes.

The fire department guys arrived and I handed over Steele's halter and ran to trucks. "Get some ropes, blankets and a shovel" I ordered. The chief looked at me and did what I said. We got the blankets on him and his hind leg loose. He tried to get up but kept falling over. The damn dog was around too. I told one of the fireman to take care of it or I would. It disappeared.

After an incredible ordeal of wedging tires under his back and getting a rope around him we got him to his feet. He walked forward but couldn't put weight on his right fore. He stood there, covered in sticky, awful mud and was shaking. I put a blanket over his back. The man who owned the two dogs arrived. A neighbour came over and told us that he saw the dogs chasing Steele. At that time the vet arrived. She examined him, asked me to walk him forward.

She came up to me and said "I'm very sorry but your horse has broken his humorous"
I looked at her. "He'll have to be put down" I said.
"Yes" she answered. "the fire chief is taking me in his truck with the siren so I will be as fast as I can with the stuff"

I turned away and the guy who owned the dogs was looking at me.
"You killed my horse" I said
"I'm so sorry"
"YOU KILLED MY HORSE"
And I couldn't stop screaming it as I advanced on him. Ed caught up to me and grabbed me. I collapsed to the ground screaming. I was making a hysterical spectacle of myself and I didn't care. I screamed at the universe over and over. I couldn't breathe and I cannot describe the depth of pain and rage I was feeling. It was swallowing me. I could feel Ed holding me and it seemed like he was an anchor holding me to the earth.
I took a shuddering breath and got up. I walked to Steele who looked at me with such pain and confusion my heart broke even further. I wrapped my arms around his neck.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I should have protected you. I'm sorry. I love you." I said it over and over didn't care who heard.

Ed helped Steele keep his head up and 3 other fire men helped him to stay upright. I will always remember that. How they gave what they could to support an animal they didn't know so he wouldn't suffer as much.

After an eternity the vet arrived. She explained that she would sedate him and then administer the dose to send him on his way. She said that he might react badly and that I did not have to stay.
"I'm staying"
"are you sure"
"yes"
So she sedated him and slowly the pain faded from his eyes. I was shaking and couldn't stop. It was shock and the cold water I had been in for what seemed like hours. She then administered the injection. He fell softly not injuring anyone. I held his head until his eye showed that his soul was gone.

Ed walked home with me and arrangements were made to pick up his body and bring him home. I walked along the road and my regular vet pulled up. He had heard what happened.
"get in" he said
"no" I said
"get in"
So I did and he enfolded me in his arms and I broke down again.
He drove us home and I got out. I went right to the barn to check on Irish. He was upset but uninjured. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he enfolded me in an embrace.

I went into the house and got into the shower. I was filthy. Next thing I knew I was huddled on the bottom of the shower sobbing uncontrollably. I got out of the shower and dressed. I looked out the window and saw Steele's body- they had brought him home and a back hoe was digging a hole.

I had one more job to do.

I went out and Ed came up. I asked him to stop the back hoe and I put a halter on Irish and brought him out. He was agitated but walked beside me. He stopped and looked at Steele. I stood there with him and reach forward with his nose and blew gently on his leg. He gave him a nudge and then looked at me. If animals know (and I think they do), he knew his friend was gone.

I am sitting here experiencing waves of rage, pain and numbness. I cannot get warm.

My perfect, wonderful, beautiful boy is gone in a pain filled, terrifying ordeal.

Because of a fucking dog.

run free my darling. I'll see you again.
DC Acero, AKA Steele, 2010-2014