Grief and Comfort

Pushing a boulder uphill.

That's how it feels.

Not that this is going to be a wallowing post. I promise. Well maybe a little bit. It's not that I've not experienced grief and loss before. I have. But it never gets easier.

The response to my blog was tremendous. It went viral over FB and then beyond. That post have over 10,000 hits. That led to lots of people getting in touch. And it opened me up to some who were looking to add to my pain. I had to put on the comment moderation feature. I'm glad that I did. Some 'comments' were so awful that they left me shaking. It would be easy to focus on those and let the whole experience make me bitter. But I refuse to allow that. It would be a dishonour to Steele who's approach to life was one of optimism and confidence. And it would make me a lesser person. I do not want to do either of those.

So let me tell you about the incredible generosity of spirit offered by friends, family and perfect strangers. Some have shared their stories of similar loss, not to take away from my experience but to let me know that they understand. Two friends came by on the one week anniversary of his death to make sure that I was not alone.  We have received flowers, cards, calls, emails and hugs. A woman I barely know sent me a painting that she did of Steele. It is incredible. But I can't show it to you because it's off being framed.  I cannot begin to list all the small kindnesses and love shown to us. But I am grateful to everyone.

Ed has been my rock. Despite his own pain every time I turn around he's there trying to look after me. I was unable to sleep - I keep reliving everything every time I closed my eyes. My doctor gave me some sleeping pills which are helping. Being able to sleep makes it easier. The daily chores of work, barn and house help establish a rhythm.



There was a special gift under my tree from a dear friend.

Steele in a SnowGlobe

Another friend sent me this poem:

Requiem for a Spanish Horse       

    

The eyes tell all

bold blood of ancient breed

gazing out in curious joy

fringed in beauty and

as deep as a starry night sky.

Quiet respect flows through that great heart

beating within the curved chest,

bonded horse and woman

woven, golden thread by

golden thread,

through daily patient persistent intent,

and love,

and action.

Those eyes are closed now

the heart is still

and we as the human halves

of this equine equation

must suffer the curse of memory

and rage at the broken bond

and stories stolen from us too soon -

too soon.

Yet comfort comes in unfathomable form

A dream, the hour before waking

an endless herd of joyous galloping,

beautiful horses

tall and small,  all colours and shapes

and breeds

wheeling by

and there in the centre

our boy, our beautiful perfect boy

mane flying,  tail plumed, carefree bucking

in a prairie of scented, flowing grass -

There were people, too

some astride, some running beside

no saddles nor bridles needed

in perfect balance and harmony

There in the centre,

our beautiful, perfect boy

solid and whole.

Day by day my heart is being eased by the love and friendship of those around me. 

Thank you.