Whatever

There's something personal going that I'm not going to blog about (maybe later but most likely not). Anyway, this personal thing involves something that will be incredibly emotionally painful and draining. And for a brief time today I thought I had a reprieve. The weight lifted off was indescribable. But then it turned out that I was wrong and it came crashing back down.

Poor Cynthia was with me- she had come to ride Irish. I think that if she hadn't been there I would have gone into the house and just hid. But she drove all this way and I couldn't send her back home because I was in some sort of crisis.

But Teresa, I hear you saying, you shouldn't ride if you are emotionally not stable.

And you are correct- it's a bad idea to ride if you are upset or angry or generally out of whack (technical term).

I know this.

And still, I said 'fuck it' and got my horse ready.

Did I mention that Carmen hadn't been ridden since Sunday?

Are you worried about me yet?

Here's the thing- when you have experience with anxiety and depression you learn to shove it all down deep and then put your foot on the trap door.

Which is what I did.

So when I mounted Carmen and she was a bit tense I simply said 'whatever'. I honestly didn't care if I came off.

I sat up and gave her rein and when she sucked back I booted her forward. When she spooked I simply put my leg on and we went.

Carmen became confused. But not in a I don't know what you want way. More like a what's up with you? way.

And she actually tried to meet me half-way. And the 3/4 of of the way. And then we were riding around and it was easy.

In the end it was a very good ride. There was no drama or big spooks. A couple little ones but nothing to write home about.

We rode around the field and I gave her a loose rein and we trotted part of the way.

But the joy of riding was missing. Which is not what I want. I know, though, that the joy will come back.

I just need to figure out how to be all 'whatever' but joyfully.

How hard could that be?