dancing horses

dancing horses

Sunday, February 15, 2015

So Now What?

When Steele died it broke my heart. He also took with him all my dreams of the future in regards to horses. I had all sorts of plans for us:

  1. Get into a regular lesson program
  2. go hacking 
  3. attend clinics
  4. travel of the property to do fun things
  5. And we were going to start showing this year 

That all turned to dust in an instant. As I was mourning the loss of Steele I was also mourning all that we weren't going to be doing. It felt unbearable. 

Do I give up on horses? 

I could not see that. I cannot picture my life without horses. I just can't. 

I also couldn't bear to think of replacing Steele. How would that even be possible?

I was feeling torn and confused. Ed was encouraging me to consider another horse. Not to "replace" Steele. He wanted me to have something to look forward to. He believed that if I had a horse to work with I would begin to heal. 

One night I had a dream: 

I was in the middle of some forgettable dream when I was suddenly in a small glade in the woods. It was night and Steele was grazing there. He saw me and said ‘oh hi. there you are.’
I stayed there with him for while (no idea how long) and then I started to walk away. I had to leave and come home.
Steele followed me as we walked through the street of a small town and past fields. I thought that he would leave me but he didn’t. I decided that if he followed me I would take him away from there. I reached my trailer but it had been partially dismantled. Steele watched as I tried to fix it.
“I’m don’t think I can come with you”
“yes you can. I’ll just get this fixed and we can go”
He watched me quietly and I finally got it back together. I turned to him and he said “I can’t come with you”
I started to cry and then he blew in my ear like he always did. ‘Goodbye” and he was gone and I was awake

A friend helped me to interpret this dream:

Your dream, to my eyes, is very allegorical.  You find Steele in a state of calm grazing, which you wanted to share with him until a point where you knew you had to return 'home'. Steele walks with you ( a 'journey') through streets and fields, trusting you as you travel together, as he did in life (he did not leave your side).   
You wanted to 'take him with you'... but first you had to 'fix' the disassembled horse trailer (the container of your equine aspirations). Steele quietly watched your reassemble the trailer, yet knew he could not be the one to travel in the trailer with you.  His message seems to be - rebuild your dreams of having an equine partner, it is  OK, my spirit is with you but someone else (another horse) will fill your trailer. 
His breath in your ear imparts his spirit, even as he says 'goodbye'.  He knows this is what you need, in your own time. He knows you will use what you learned in your earthly journey together, and he will be with you as you move forward.
A few days later I started to click on horse ads. I could only do a few seconds and some horses I had to stop looking at all together as they reminded me too much of Steele. However, I kept clicking and it became easier.

And  that is how I found myself on a plane.


  1. Teresa .......... you are KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU????? I can't WAIT to see/read the next chapter in your journey.

    Love you!!!!
    Ann N

  2. Beautiful, poetic post. Aside from the symbolism, I truly believe Steele was saying good bye and wishing you well.
    I can't wait to read what's next!

  3. You have such a gift for writing. I could practically feel Steele's breath on my ear as you were describing it. Your dream was so powerful! I can't wait to hear what is in store for you on your journey.

  4. Beautiful post. Also I WANT TO KNOW THE REST OF THE STORY OMG!!!

  5. And you will ride him again, too, Teresa, in a future dream. I know it. In the meantime, I'm glad you're on a plane...may this flight bring you a new four legged joy.

  6. I second what everyone else said. I too believe that people and animal spirits speak to us in our dreams.

  7. When belle died I had frequent dreams about her. She was always happy and eating grass somewhere. At first I panicked realizing she hadn't died and was waiting for me all along. I would try to bring her home but she wanted to stay eating. I still have the dream and it makes me happy now. I had a similar dream about my mom a few nights ago. They want us to be happy.

  8. This has me in tears all over again. What a special dream!! I'm so happy and excited for you that you are healing and beginning the search for a new equine partner (not a replacement). I think Steele is giving you his blessing.

  9. I looking forward to following your horse hunting journey. It isn't about replacing Steele, as you know so well. It's about finding another partner, a different partner, and knowing that your heart will expand enough to hold both Steele and the new horse. And, Ed is right about the spark. I hope you find a horse to look at in Northern California -- I'd love to meet you and put you up in the spare bedroom. Good luck! And enjoy the journey (it sounds like you already are).

  10. what a beautiful dream. I cried reading it. And I'm so excited that you get to start a new journey.... :)

  11. Reading this post now, about a year after the fact; I am moved to tears. I can only imagine the pain of losing a horse like Steele.


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