So Now What?

When Steele died it broke my heart. He also took with him all my dreams of the future in regards to horses. I had all sorts of plans for us:

1. Get into a regular lesson program
2. go hacking 
3. attend clinics
4. travel of the property to do fun things
5. And we were going to start showing this year 

That all turned to dust in an instant. As I was mourning the loss of Steele I was also mourning all that we weren't going to be doing. It felt unbearable. 

Do I give up on horses? 

I could not see that. I cannot picture my life without horses. I just can't. 

I also couldn't bear to think of replacing Steele. How would that even be possible?

I was feeling torn and confused. Ed was encouraging me to consider another horse. Not to "replace" Steele. He wanted me to have something to look forward to. He believed that if I had a horse to work with I would begin to heal. 

One night I had a dream: 

I was in the middle of some forgettable dream when I was suddenly in a small glade in the woods. It was night and Steele was grazing there. He saw me and said ‘oh hi. there you are.’
I stayed there with him for while (no idea how long) and then I started to walk away. I had to leave and come home.
Steele followed me as we walked through the street of a small town and past fields. I thought that he would leave me but he didn’t. I decided that if he followed me I would take him away from there. I reached my trailer but it had been partially dismantled. Steele watched as I tried to fix it.
“I’m don’t think I can come with you”
“yes you can. I’ll just get this fixed and we can go”
He watched me quietly and I finally got it back together. I turned to him and he said “I can’t come with you”
I started to cry and then he blew in my ear like he always did. ‘Goodbye” and he was gone and I was awake. 

A friend helped me to interpret this dream:

Your dream, to my eyes, is very allegorical.  You find Steele in a state of calm grazing, which you wanted to share with him until a point where you knew you had to return 'home'. Steele walks with you ( a 'journey') through streets and fields, trusting you as you travel together, as he did in life (he did not leave your side).    You wanted to 'take him with you'... but first you had to 'fix' the disassembled horse trailer (the container of your equine aspirations). Steele quietly watched your reassemble the trailer, yet knew he could not be the one to travel in the trailer with you.  His message seems to be - rebuild your dreams of having an equine partner, it is  OK, my spirit is with you but someone else (another horse) will fill your trailer.  His breath in your ear imparts his spirit, even as he says 'goodbye'.  He knows this is what you need, in your own time. He knows you will use what you learned in your earthly journey together, and he will be with you as you move forward.

A few days later I started to click on horse ads. I could only do a few seconds and some horses I had to stop looking at all together as they reminded me too much of Steele. However, I kept clicking and it became easier.

And  that is how I found myself on a plane.