Hindsight: Looking Back on 2019

Carmen: what are we looking back at? Can we look for less snow? 

So, yeah, I am late with this. 

But that's okay. Winter is here and so I have more time (theoretically anyway). Last year I decided to focus on Process goals rather than specifics. After targeting these for a year I have to say that I am a fan. Basing goals on principles rather than specific outcomes allowed me the flexibility to target things as they arose without feeling like I was failing. 

I find that reviewing past goals helps me to develop smart goals for the upcoming year. So here's the recap along with some highs and lows of 2019. 

Goals: 

1. Build a foundation of relaxation with Carmen & Myself:   

We made a lot of progress in this. Joining the TRT website has help immeasurably with this. I took these tools with me to shows and clinics and I find that she's more curious at new locations now rather than highly suspicious. 

I also take advantage of toys where we go

 Carmen has learned to look for answers- at least from the ground. When she's tense and I draw her attention to her rigid neck she now drops and relaxes right away. 

Under saddle is still a work in progress. But I have come to realize that this is up to me to control myself, not Carmen.  I find that if she gets tense and starts to unravel simply stopping and dropping the reins allows her to take a breath and regroup. At some point I may be doing this at a clinic and I hope I can explain the why to the clinician. But it works so I will do it as needed. 

Highlights for me occurred when I took her places and people commented on how calm she was (those who hadn't met her before) and those who remarked the change. Sometimes it can feel that progress is minimal. 

actually trying to stretch at the walk at a show. 

2. Create a work flow that makes sense to both of us and is fun. 

I really feel that we have made gains in this as well. This year I have done obstacles, a lot of trail riding and even some jumping. I am working hard on not drilling but to let us have success and then let it go. Carmen is good at letting me know when I'm pushing too hard. 

we jump now. sort of. 

group trail ride

obstacles

3. Manage her diet and gut health-  I started the year with a plan and adjusted as we progressed. I now have a protocol that seems to really work for her. I have not seen any sign of ulcers, upset tummy in a few months (*runs off to knock on wood). What I find is that Carmen has really slowed down her eating. Before it used to seem frantic but now, even in the morning, she's relaxed. 

4. Improve the independence of seat, leg and hand. In addition to working on this when riding and in lessons I also directly targeted this with a Balance Clinic with Karen and two clinics with Johanna. Each time I had a mini breakthroughs in understanding that made a noticeable change in my riding.

Compare now(ish):  

October 2019

 To when I first started riding Carmen:

5. Keep learning: In 2019 I did two 3-day clinics with Johanna, one 3 day clinic with Karen, a 2 day clinic on Trail Obstacles with Nikki and Mike. I am grateful for the wonderful coaches I have found that encourage and help me to gain skills without getting frustrated with me. 

 In addition I audited a judging clinic and too too many lessons to count. It felt like a lot. And I would have even like to do more.  I continue to watch the videos on the TRT website and follow Warwick Schiller on YouTube. 

I will never be done learning. 

6. Spend more time with other horse people. I definitely was more concious of this for the year. I reached out and tried to connect with people at shows and clinics. I really enjoyed the camaraderie. I am fortunate to know so many supportive people- we are all different but joined by our love horses. 

such a fun gang to show with

7. Go to shows and stretch myself.  I planned to do three shows and ended up doing four. All felt like I was stretching myself and Carmen. We had some good rides (here too) and some bad ones. 

8. Teach Carmen to self-manage: rather than it all falling to me about how she feels and reacts, I want to give her the tools to manage herself. You can think of this as increasing her confidence. This means that it's okay if she makes a mistake and for me to help her find the answer rather than give it to her. It's interesting, she is really really trying now to figure things out. She still gets overwhelmed at times but it's so much less than before. 

Carmen: who me? 

Me: yes you

At the end of this year I find that I am not as wary or nervous riding her when she's up. Thanks to the Centered Riding coaching I'm able to keep my seat in the saddle and not tense so much that I pop out. It still happens at times but I can fix it much faster.

This year has had it's highs and lows. The lowest was not about Carmen- it had to do with the barn flooding. Which is probably a good thing. I spent the entire year waiting for the wheels to come off and they never did. Although we had a few flats (way to really push the analogy).  I think that's for a few reasons:

• managing Carmen's gut health
• doing a lot of very consistent ground work
• improving my riding skills

There were so many highlights: being with friends, showing, learning, trail riding. Riding second level. 

The highlight of the year? 

It has to be this: 

I've always wanted to ride to music. I've always wanted to do a Pas de Deux. Being able to do this with Karen and Kalimo made it truly epic. 

no matter what Carmen thinks

Wearing the costume was the icing on the cake. 

PC Amanda Stright

Carmen was a star about the whole thing. I swear she enjoyed the costume and roses in her mane. Finally, here was a show worth caring about. I could not stop laughing throughout. 

2019 was great year for Carmen and I. It wasn't until I started to look back on it that I realize how much fun I truly had. It's so easy to get stuck focusing on what is not great that I lose sight of the gains we made. 

Here's to 2020! 

Retrospective: A Decade in Horses

This blog hop comes courtesy of Might As Well Event. The idea is to use on picture for every year of 2010-2019 to show your journey with horses. I've enjoyed reading everyone else's posts on this so I decided to give it a go. Even though it's really hard to A) settle on one photo and B) find photos/remember stuff from 10 years ago!

FYI, I might just break the rule of '1 photo'

2010
It felt like a big year to me. My son graduated high school and we bought the property that we now live in. At that point we hadn't moved- we spent the year renovating.

Meanwhile, I had Irish  and he was 10 at the time. We were showing but not a lot. He was a really solid horse by this point. I could hack him out and take him places. He might have been tense but he always tried to be a good boy.

Irish not sure what the fuss about with the ribbons. 

2011

We sold our house and moved into our farm and began building the barn. It was a the fulfillment of a lifelong dream to bring Irish home.

2012

Steele came to live with us. I started the blog to chronicle the adventures of raising a charming, intelligent and mischievous yearling. 

still one of my favourite photos

It was also the year I took Irish to his final show followed by a clinic with the judge who made me cry. She was highly critical of Irish's way of going and was really nasty about how she indicated that it was my fault that he had a lateral canter (despite me saying that he'd never had it before) and flatly refused to help me. I am still quite pissed about this to be honest. However, later that year Irish was diagnosed with neurological issues.

2013

I was spending my days taking care of the horses and working out the routines. Irish was getting ridden lightly and Steele was learning about being a grown up.

Steele not sure that this is in his job description but willing to try 

2014

This year was an epic one with the horses. 

Steele was fitted with a saddle and then backed. 

both of us so intent on the learning

 I spent the summer riding him and then took him to a show to hang out and then did the clinic with the judge. The judge was amazing, Steele was awesome and things were coming together.

Then in December my world crashed with the horrible, traumatic and fucking should-never-have-happened death of Steele.

2015

In the beginning I was still reeling from the death of Steele. To be honest, it has taken years to come to terms with it. At this point I was having trouble sleeping, everything seemed pretty gray and I was a complete mess.

I knew I needed to do something to help myself and Irish. Which led to a road trip with Karen and the purchase of Carmen. It was an epic winter and we had so much snow that it was a nightmare. Carmen came home to me in March and we still had like 4 feet of snow on the ground.

Carmen wondering what the hell is going on

It was a bit of a difficult year for Carmen and I. She was quite reactive to a lot of things and I was struggling to understand her and how to deal.

Irish had developed headshaking but I found he responded really well to Magnesium.

2016
I came very very close to selling Carmen. She was being really spooky and bolting all over the place. It was like there was no horse to talk to and it was frightening.  I ended up hiring a trainer to come and help me with her and that made a huge difference. While there might be some things I would do differently now, at the time he literally saved both of us and I would be profoundly grateful for that. He helped me to see a lot of holes that were in her training and we began to fill them.

I started taking clinics with Johanna and she was a godsend as well. I did a Centered Riding clinic which blew my mind and really started me thinking differently about my aids.

at the clnic with Johanna

You can ask me why I didn't sell her that year and move on and I honestly couldn't tell you. There were enough times that things were good that I could see how thing could be. I am also pretty stubborn so that probably played a role. To be honest, I think that whatever was broken in Carmen spoke to what was broken in me.


2017
This was the 'do all the things' year for Carmen and I. We did a few clinics, did a trail obstacle clinic that was amazing and has impacted my work with Carmen consistently since then. We went to four shows and we had scores that ranged from 4-8.

But it began to feel that our partnership was coming together and I was really happy with our progress.

2018

This was a mixed year for us. We started off with a great year at clinics and shows. In the fall the wheels began to come off again and I was in despair. I actually had to scratch a test while I was riding it because she became un-rideable. Again I thought about selling her. Then I decided to try ucler treatment and it was like a veil lifted. Carmen became transformed. Not that she was/is spook free but the mindless melt downs were diminished.

Again, I am blown away by how brave a horse that can be terrified by a goldfinch can be! We did another trail obstacle clinic in the summer and she was a rock star. I joined the TRT training website and it helped a ton with our groundwork and learning to deal with scary things.

more of this horse please

and less of this one

2019
To be honest, I spent a large part of this year waiting for the wheels to come off. While there were periodic issues things have been on a pretty steady trajectory (this will be a whole post/recap).

not for sale

In the past 10 years I have grown as a rider, caretaker and human being. I have come to terms with my dreams falling to ashes and starting over.

I wonder what the next 10 years will bring?

The No Goal Show Recap

I was going to write this post tomorrow but it turns out that I cannot sleep (thanks menopause) so I thought that it might settle my whirling brain if I put some of these thoughts out of my head and onto my blog.

Good Lord Woman, do you ever stop? 

Friday:
The trip was easy and I settled Carmen into her stall. Her neighbour, Suzi was instantly in love. Unfortunately Carmen did not have the same thoughts.

Suzi: but I'm lovable, everyone says so
Carmen: no. you are not. GO AWAY

I had arranged a lesson with Shanea in the show ring (you can pay for 30 minute intervals). Carmen was really really good. She settled into work and it was a great lesson. A couple bobbles (let's face it- it is us after all) but nothing major and we had some really solid work. 

Saturday:

I didn't ride until mid afternoon which gives lots of time to fret. 

Except I didn't fret at all. Instead I walked Carmen around to let her move, watched some beautiful horses and their riders do some tests and chatted with friends. It felt a lot like camping. About an hour before my ride I took Carmen into the warm up ring and she kind of lost her mind. There were a couple spots she was freaking out about. One was a partially open door, except it wasn't the door. There was a gatorade bottle on the ledge by the door shining in the light. Another spot was this small window that was open on the side of the indoor ring. Carmen was so freaked out by this window that I asked someone to close it for me. Someone also moved the water bottle. Things were better but not great. 

Still I felt pretty ready going into to do my test. And in the show ring Carmen was way better and we laid down a pretty solid test (for us). A couple errors but still, the most consistent we've been. 

I do not recall my score and I'm too lazy to get it out of the truck right now but it was in the low 60's (I think around 64). I thought it felt a bit like a train wreck but other people assured me that it looked good and after watching the video I see a lot that I like. (however, stay tuned for the train wreck). 

I let her have a small break in her stall and then took her back out the warm up. There were still a few freaky spots for her but we worked through them and put in our next test that felt more consistent to me. We scored about the same. 

I will likely review the tests in detail later on this blog (or maybe not) but the judges comments were positive and very encouraging. My favourite was 'tactfully ridden' for one of my 10 m circles. 

That night a bunch of us from the show went out to dinner and had a grand time talking about horses, the show, more horses, cats, horses etc. There may have even been a bit of dancing to a local band. Carmen's antics in the warm up ring were bugging me though so I asked Shanea if she could give me a  lesson the next morning in the warm up ring. I wanted Carmen to realize that she needed to work there and then just let her rest until it was time for the test. 

Sunday:

The next morning was much like the one before except that I had a lesson booked in the morning. I'm so glad I did that because it was so good. Shanea really helped me to figure out how to keep Carmen on task and not kill any other riders. Which was the thing really getting me tense- I didn't care about her antics. I'm used to them. But I didn't want to careen into another rider or freak out their horse when they are trying to get ready for their show. This time there was a coffee cup on the ledge (the horror!) that had her freaked out. Someone moved it but honestly, it could have been anything. Sometimes she's tense and looking for something to fixate on. AT the start of the lesson she was for sale for about $10. At the end she had raised in value to about $40. After about 40 minutes I put Carmen away feeling satisfied that we had worked through her things. 

Shanea and I agreed that a 30 minute warm up before my first test in the morning should be fine given the work she did in the morning. That turned out to be a mistake. Carmen came into the warm up ring and had, apparently, forgotten all the work of the morning. She was spooky in the same spots and doing her spontaneous canter pirouettes. Before I knew it they were calling us to the ring. 

I went in hoping for the best and fearing the worst. 

IWhen we came in she was tense and looking around. She saw spectators in the blue bleachers and kind of lost her mind over them. The judge gave me a little time to show her that they were fine and then rang the bell. 

t was a total and utter train wreck. 

The fun starts at about the 2:25 mark. There's a table she's looking at just outside the ring. It had been there every other time she went in but either she saw it or decided that it was now acting suspiciously.  Then at about 2:59 she spiralled in an and tried to run away from the people in the bleachers. I circled her back and we dealt with that. I am proud that I stayed sitting up and then got her back to canter to carry on. We survived the rest of the test but I knew that it was basically about getting to the end. We scored in the low 50's.

I thought about scratching the next test.

Instead I took her back to the warm up ring and spent the 45 minutes before my next test riding my horse. And I mean riding. I was taking no guff from her at this point. Jane was also in riding her warm up (you may recall that Jane is my Yoda, often appearing when I need her the most to give some words of wisdom). This time Jane say Carmen sucking back behind the contact and getting tighter and tighter. 'make her heavy' she said. What she meant was to push Carmen into the contact so I had something to work with. It really helped. Every time Carmen sucked back I booted her forward.

Honestly, letting her suck back seems to be the root of a lot of my problems. I don't mind letting her hesitate if there there is something worrying her, but at some point we need to move forward.

I went in determined to school the crap of out my final test. I didn't care if I fell off. I do not think that there is video (if I find some I will share it). But I did exactly what I intended. I kept a short rein and my legs on. They never came off. She tried one deke but I took a firmer hold of the outside rein and booted her back. For our last canter lengthen I sat up through the corner and put my leg on. let's go I said, we'll worry about the corner when we get there. Carmen pinned her ears but went.  It felt like we did a hand gallop down the side.

She was a hot mess and tense and broke a few times but our score was a 60. Again the judges comments were encouraging and she wrote to not get discouraged, just keep working away.

My friends and fellow competitors were so encouraging to me that they kept me going. By now a few things are clear to me:

• Carmen is consistently difficult on the third day of a show or clinic. I think it's because of not being turned out and an excess of energy. 
• Carmen needs an hour warm up. There's no point in trying to 'conserve' her at this point in her training. I need to work her and, hopefully, with time she'll understand the job better. 
• Things can go to crap and I am still sitting up. This is huge for me. 
• Carmen still believes that submission is a thing to be negotiated. And I don't mind being tactful but she doesn't get to say no. Can someone explain that to her please? Thanks. 

Despite how it all ended, I did have a lot of fun at the show. I think it would have been worse had I set goals because I wouldn't have met them. Instead, I dealt with what I had.

keep calm and canter on
 (photo from saturday, PC J. Scrimger)

Best.Show.Ever

I guess that title needs to come with a spoiler alert. But honestly, it was a great show. First let me thank Cindy (for the photos) and Tanya/ Nicole/ Faye for the various videos. You guys are awesome.

For whatever reason, I didn't have the nervousness or sick feeling before the show this time. I felt really mellow and positive about all of it. The rides leading up to the show were a bit fraught but the one the day before was awesome. I guess this time I decided to let the one good ride set the tone rather than the bad ones.

Like I said, it was stinking hot by the time my rides were up so I opted for a 40 minute warm-up. Carmen was awesome in the warm up and had a ton of energy.

Shanea and I in the warm up ring. Her mare is stunning

To be honest, I should have given us more time because I wasn't quite ready when it was our turn. I'm still figuring out the best approach for her. But it didn't matter because it was time for us to go. When we walked in and by where the judge and scribe were sitting she gave a massive shy/spin when she saw people were there. I put my leg on and circled her back and by.

Carmen, pretty sure she's about to be eaten by trolls

 We went back and she gave a sigh and relaxed.

Okay, not gonna eat me but they should have carrots. 

 Then the bell rang and in we went.

god, I need to get a handle on this whole leaning forward thing! 

OMG, are we actually square?!

I don't have  video of this test but it felt pretty good. On our first lengthen I asked for a bit too much and she broke to canter. Totally my fault and we just regrouped and carried on. About half-way through I could feel Carmen go 'OH! now I know what we're doing!'  and she settled into the work beautifully. Our scores were a mix of 6, 6.5 and 7's for a final score of 65.429 with a comment of 'lovely horse! Further develop suppleness over topline'.  We placed 4th over all (there were more than  4 in the class I just don't remember how many!).

one of my favourite photos from the test. I love the hind leg
reach and the lightness of her front end. 

There was a bit of chaos on Saturday because the judge got so far ahead that the times were all moved up by a 30 minutes (if you wanted).  I asked if I could again in about 10 minutes and the judge agreed. I quickly hosed her legs and hopped back on. A little more warm up and she was ready and in we went. 

Other then her deciding that a leg yield from the rail to the centre line was a ridiculous ask and she'd never heard of such a thing, the test felt really really good. 

Here's a video of the whole thing: 

Well there's a lot to improve in this there is a lot that I love. And honestly, it's the most consistent we've ever been. We actually got 7's on our free walk and lengthen trots! 

it got better as we went

I rode this test really focussing on keeping her straight and on the aids.

Our scores were mostly 6.5-7 with one 5.5 on our first leg yield.  Our final score was 66.528 and a second place (but in full disclosure there were only two of us in the class) and a comment to work on leg yields. Sigh. We work on them all the time.

On Sunday I spent a lot of time in the morning hand walking her and trying to keep her cool and rested. That turned out to be a mistake because Carmen was a fire breathing dragon in the warm up! She  had decided that certain things were totally frightening and she was going to run away. In the past this would have really intimidated me. Not anymore. I sat up, took a hold and booted her forward. If she had energy to burn then by god, let's go. I found moments of softness and really rewarded those but I was taking no bullshit. Once again the warm up felt far too short. 

Ready or not here we come!

Then there was the debacle with the number (yesterday's post) but we regrouped. It felt like this test took a lot of active riding. I had a caller which was great because it allowed me to keep all my focus on Carmen where she needed it. 

canter depart? yes ma'am

settling down a bit

yay, she's actually stretching. 

Here is the test in all it's gory details:

A lot to take away from it. One is that Carmen's would really like to negotiate this whole 'acceptance of the bit' thing. But I was not letting her get all inverted and then take off on me. Also it felt a lot more like a wrestling match than it looked, which is good information. We got a 5.5 on our first halt (as soon as I let go of the contact she decided to move around) but otherwise we were a mix of 6.5-7s and few sixes for a final score of 65.714 and comment Very nice horse. Some nice moments. More suppleness over back. Lengthens need improvement.  Which could pretty much describe every ride we have.  We place 6th out of 9 or 10 riders. The spread on this test for the placings (it may have been true of the others too, I didn't really look) was about 3 percentage points. After this test I went back to the warm up ring and we schooled our halts. This is not a new idea, that halts are still and that she waits so I felt that I should let her know that it is also true here. 

I put Carmen back in her stall to have a pee and cool off for a short time and then got back on. The warm up was much shorter but I kept her in front of the leg and supple. And this test felt really really good. I was happy with how it all went. 

It felt like we really were working together. 

here we go, last test! it's do or die!
Psst - I prefer to not die

we ride into corners now

Cantering in balance

yay, square halt at the end

We got far more 7s in this test and a 6 on our stretch trot circle. Our final score was 66.111 with the comment lovely horse- work well together. Continue to develop supplies and bend.  We place second out of two again, but since Shanea was first I'm not gonna lose sleep over that. 

At the end of the show I went in to thank the judge for her kindness and comments. She smiled and said 'which horse were you riding?

'the grey andalusian in first level (there was a grey andalusian mare in second level too, she was stunning). 

The judge then warmed my heart by saying 'ooh, yeah. She's a lovely horse. 

Thank you. I think so too.

No, she's really lovely! 

Of course she is but it's nice that others see it too. 

Why was this the best show ever? Because we were the most consistent and it felt that we were working together the whole time. And when we weren't I was able to get her back. In the past, after that big spook at the judges booth she would have been fixated on it and it would have been a struggle. This time I was able to show her it was fine and she accepted that.  The scores were better than we've been getting and placings didn't even matter (although I'd be lying if I didn't say that one day I'd love to win one of the awards). It was also a lot of fun with so many supportive people. There may have been drama, but I didn't see it. What I saw was a bunch of people having fun and enjoying their horses. None of us are going to the olympics so if it's not fun, what's the point?