How do you know if you have it?
I think I've written this post about dozen times. And I keep deleting it.
Today is the 2 year anniversary of Steele's death and it's hitting me hard.
To be honest I think it's the accumulation of losing my horse, my dog and my mom all in 24 months. Today I had to be in meetings all day for work. In some ways it was good but it was a real struggle to leave. Part of me was convinced that one or both of the horses would be dead when I got home.
I knew that thought was crazy.
Except I was sure it was true.
It was a long drive home. And of course the horses were fine. After I fed them I sat in the barn breathing deeply and letting the quiet munching soothe my nerves. I know that my losses pale in comparison to others. I am often quite annoyed with myself that I am still so bothered by everything.
I used to think that resilence = bouncing back. Like memory foam, if I were resilient I would retain the same shape.
Now I'm rethinking that concept. Maybe it's about getting back up and going on with my new, slightly battered shape.
I think that December 14 has become my 'Day of Mourning' for the loved ones that I have lost.
I will be better tomorrow but today I'm giving myself permission to be quiet and remember what was.
When the hour is upon us
And our beauty surely gone
No you will not be forgotten
No you will not be aloneAnd when the day has all but ended
And our echo starts to fade
No you will not be alone then
And you will not be afraid
No you will not be afraidWhen the fog has finally lifted
From my cold and tired brow
No I will not leave you crying
And I will not let you down
No I will not let you down
I will not let you down
Just so you know... I've been told the 2nd anniversary is harder than the 1'st. I found this to be the case as well. Grief does not have a time limit. Let yourself feel all you need to feel. No need to compare or try to justify.. it just is. It hurts. It is okay that it still hurts ..with out qualifications. HUGS.... shed your tears..
ReplyDeleteThank you! you are inspirational.
DeleteGrief is one of the hardest emotions in the human lexicon. I'm certain of it.
ReplyDeleteI would agree!
DeleteI saw your FB post earlier today and so you, and your losses, were on my mind all day. In February, it will be three years since I lost my mom. I don't think I'm ever going to stop grieving for her; but yet life goes on and we push forward with our battered selves. Sending you a hug. (I also think Carmen is making you a better rider than Steele ever could have -- in the same way that Lucy has made me a better rider than I would have been if Jackson had stayed sound). Doors close; windows open. Carmen is your window. She's not Steele; she's not a door. She's a window; she'd different; and I'm glad she is carving out a space for herself in your heart. Not pushing Steele out, of course. Just wiggling in next to him.
ReplyDeleteYes you have it exactly right- wiggling in next to him. I am not ungrateful for what I do have and have had. Truly.
DeleteA few things have come up recently that have all really gelled for me. This world can seem like it's only chaos and entropy. And we rush through it looking for a destination. Or language and culture is all about looking for something instead of realising that we need to live in the now because things can change at any moment. We need to dance and sing and ride and be grateful for the gift of each day. Do what makes you happy but realise that everything is transient.
ReplyDeletethat is the truth.
DeleteYou certainly don't need permission to mourn. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my Moms unexpected passing. Fortunately I had my Grandsons all day, one teething, the other in go, go, go mode. The day passed & I was to tired and busy to worry over it.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry about your mom. Hugs to you.
DeleteYour two year anniversary of Steele's death is also the 2 year anniversary of my father-in-law's death. I shared that quote last year on this day after reading it on your blog "you are weeping for that which has been your delight." So TRUE!! Yes, we have to go on without them--and your desire to be partners with another horse and put your heart out there despite their fragility (in many ways) just shows how much your love for Steele changed you.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry about your father in law. And yes, owning him did change me.
DeleteYou absolutely should give yourself a day to mourn. Don't downplay your losses. I'm sorry it was a hard day :(
ReplyDeleteThank you. I will be okay. Honest
Delete(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteProfound resonations here T, as I know you'll know.
ReplyDelete( Honoured that you would choose my images here which makes it even more bittersweet btw. Immediately transported back to that time and all that you so kindly and unselfishly supported me through.)
I just finished a large drink of Christmas cheer in the midst of creating twinkly corners here to shake off the fog of what feels like a NWO, and to embrace, on behalf of those who can't.. what precious safety we enjoy here in Canada... so ..not at my best for articulating just how much this has touched me.
...but.. know I love you and share every nuance of your sentiments expressed, in spades and then some.
xox ( Chat later )
((hugs)) Kat!
DeleteGrief plays mental tricks like that. I'm sorry it's tough right now, but I hope you'll feel better as the time goes by. I do wonder if social media/blogging make it worse? When I lost my horse many years ago, fb barely existed, I certainly didn't have a blog, and I get no annual reminders of the date. In fact, I can't remember the date. This isn't to say it doesn't come to my mind at random times, but at least it's unscheduled. I feel like that makes it easier for me, but maybe it's just the time that makes it better. Sorry for the rambling comment... you got my thinking about my own mare. I'll hug my ponies tomorrow and be thankful that they're here with me.
ReplyDeletethe FB thing of reposting memories can be a surprise. To be honest, I find writing cathartic and helpful but I realize that it affects others too and I'm sorry for that. I am and will be okay. Just every now and then I take a moment to let it out because the whole repressing it until it goes away approach is not working so well.
DeleteI used to think that resiliency was about not breaking in the first place. I've come to learn that it' s more about having the courage and strength to stand back up after you've been pushed down. It's not a lack of scars that make you resilient, it's the fact that you can heal at all<3
ReplyDeletethis is so very true.
DeleteIt's never easy to lose those we love but they are not truly gone as long as we keep them in our hearts. I think most of us know what it's like to lose and it's okay to grieve as long as we don't dwell on it. Carmen and Irish are there for you now go out and give them a hug and enjoy them. Feel better.
ReplyDeleteThese terrible losses do change us, but I found through personal experience that we can play a part in reshaping ourselves by what we chose to do with all the grief, anxiety, fear and doubt. We can sit back and let these things shape us or grab hold of it all and make something new. It took me three years to get to the point where I realized I needed to take action. I am not the person I was before it all. I took grief and created gratitude for what I have. I took anxiety and created knowledge to be a better horseperson. Feel like I had to fight hard for my new shape, but it has been worth the struggle. Hugs to you. You are resilient.
ReplyDeleteThank you for that perspective. It feels that I'm trying to re-forge myself I'm just not always sure what I'm becoming.
DeleteI'm sending you positive thoughts and hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteJust wanted to let you know I get it, and I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteTake the day. It was a terrible time. And you are back, not the same but you are back
ReplyDeleteI feel that too.
DeleteThinking of you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, blown away again by your eloquent and beautifully heartbreaking writing. Never stop, you have a gift.
Thank you Lisa- this warmed my heart. :)
DeleteI can't even imagine dealing with something like that but my thoughts are with you. I really appreciated reading about your perspective on continuing on in a different shape than before.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs. It's so hard, but so important to remember and think back, while still looking forward.
ReplyDeleteWe can never be the same, we can never go as we did. And you know what, I wouldn't want to. I am not the same person I was. What has happened has changed me. So I will go onwards on my journey, but I may walk a little differently. I may carry different things with me than I used to. I may even change my direction sometimes. I may miss my old travelling companions, but I'm glad they could walk with me for a while, those were some good times. (((hugs)))
ReplyDelete<3 *hugs* <3
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
ReplyDelete<3 It all makes us part of who we are <3 There is beauty in it. Take this day to remember all the wonderful things with Steele, your dog, and your mom...and all the others. Then go hug and thank Carmen and Irish, Guinness and d'Arcy, and Ed. <3
ReplyDelete