After the funeral Ed and I couldn't stick around because a blizzard was bearing down on us and we had to get home ahead of it. We made it just as the snow was starting. I was exhausted and slept quite well.
I know it doesn't seem right but I was pleased that there was a blizzard. This meant that today I had lots of physical things to do. Horses express themselves through movement. I find that I am very similar. To have to sit still when I have lots of emotions swirling around is torture. It's not that I can't be lazy- I'm as lazy as the next person and probably lazier than some. But I didn't want to sit around. I wanted to work.
While Ed plowed the driveway with the tractor I shovelled. It didn't last long enough so I began to clean up the hay pile. By this time of the year it's not as neatly stacked as it should be. I also observed the horses. Carmen is seeming to turn into a snow horse- I find her playing in it but when she sees me looking she tries to get all dignified.
|yes there's snow on my nose, so what?|
|Belle is less impressed with deep snow|
The quiet, the woods, the clean cold air all started to help me do what I probably needed to do- which is just breathe.
This is exactly how I deal with stress and grief. I have to find a way to channel all those raw emotions into something good instead of destructive, I just can't sit still. I need to be out moving and when things get bad, I always head for the woods. The barn and the woods are the only places where I can find the stillness to just breath. I hope those quiet refuges continue to bring you peace as well.ReplyDelete
I know how you feel about needing to move. Physical work is the best for that. Good for you making it through the eulogy.ReplyDelete
"The quiet, the woods, the clean cold air all started to help me do what I probably needed to do- which is just breathe."ReplyDelete
I do a program called Body Flow (Yoga, Tai Chi, and Pilates) and they will say, over and over again, breathe, breathe--and they tell you how breathing is such a gift. Like you, I haven't learned the lesson in it yet, but there is something powerful there for our minds and bodies...even our horses. My instructor will tell me to breathe deeply when I'm trying to get Leah to stop circling at the one rein stop. So, apparently, even horses understand it. I still have to be reminded.
I totally hear you. I worked out a lot of tough stuff in my life mucking stalls. Sending hugs! <3ReplyDelete
I have a little card for you (if that's not too weird). My e-mail is dreaming900(at)hotmail(dot)com if you want to message me your address.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom. XoReplyDelete
Yor writing is phenomenal - is hot and sticky here today and this transported my straight to the quiet and cold of a snow filled landscape, even though I've only experienced that a handful of times.