But on further reflection that seemed to be wrong.
2014 was a big year for me. I can honestly say, without exaggeration, that it contained some of the best moments of my life and some of the worst.
First of all I turned 50 this year. I'm not sure why this seemed like an important marker for me but it was. When I was younger I thought that I'd have it all figured out by the time I was 50. That turned out to be wrong. I have figured out some stuff but I'm not even close to having it 'all' sorted. However, it turns out I'm okay with that.
Ed and I went on the trip of lifetime.
Australia:
And Hawaii
My work is going well. I got a new boss who's fabulous. My kids are doing well and I'm very proud of them. Despite all odds my mom is holding her own with her health and has a positive outlook. Over the past year I managed to get back in shape and go down 3 sizes.
I realized the dream of starting Steele under saddle. I had so much fun riding him. It was not always perfect but we were always moving forward.
When I would look at him in the field I could not believe my good fortune to have such a wonderful creature in my life. I loved him body and soul. Even when I was ready to kill him. And I believe that he loved me. I will never forget that he was able to overcome the severe pain of a broken bone and get up out of that swamp. Because I asked him too.
My mother, who is a big fan of my blog, was always after me to put my stories into a book. I found out the Blurb has software that allows you to download your posts and put into a book. So I spent a few weeks doing that as a Christmas present for her- revising the layout, deleting some posts, editing typing errors. This was, of course, all before everything went so horribly wrong. I also go a digital copy of it. I thought that doing this as an annual year book would be fun. (http://blur.by/1za2YE2). It's a good idea for you bloggers out there to keep a record.
The books arrived Dec 23 (one for me and one for mom). I had to give her a heads up before she opened it. She decided to wait to unwrap it. I have not looked at mine yet.
People wonder how I'm doing. The truth is that I'm dealing. I still have flashbacks to that horrible day but right now I suppress them. I know that one day I will have to take those memories out and deal with them but not right now.
I likely will have another horse at some point. I just don't know when that will be. I have found that when you lose a person or animal that you care about you don't 'get over it'. It becomes absorbed into your being. The loss of this magnificent horse is settling into my bones.
I am a different person for having Steele.
And I am a different person for having lost him.
Who that person will turn out to be remains to be seen. 2015 will help to reveal that.
It's good to reflect. I'm glad your choosing to think about your flashbacks at a later date. This post sounds a little hopeful too - please do keep blogging, even if it's not on this blog. Would love to keep up with how you're doing.
ReplyDeleteWhoever that person turns out to be, she will be loved and supported by SO many friends and loved ones. Teresa, you are an amazing woman, and I am thankful to have you as a friend. You will have that bond again, it will happen, I have faith.
ReplyDeleteAnn N.
Trying to make sense of a loss like yours must be overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteThe depth of the connection we make with our horses, if at all, may only truly be understood by other horsemen.
Though we've never met, I think I have a good sense of the kind of horseman you are Teresa. A horse like Steele isn't just born or bred. He is created through a relationship you carefully nurtured. I hope one day you'll want to forge another partnership. It won't be Steele, but I've no doubt it will be equally special.
Best wishes for you in 2015.
I turned 50 this year too, and went to Hawaii last year. I wish I could say I went to Australia and lost 3 pants sizes. Ha ha! Maybe this year. I am touched by your statement about becoming a different person. I try to explain to people how drastically I changed after my mother's death, and I often mourn the old self that I lost. I find myself trying different things to get my old self back.
ReplyDelete2015 did hold some amazing moments for you -- as well as heartbreaking ones. I'm clinking my glass back with yours. We will move forward; Steele will settle into your bones and your heart. And, when the time is right, another horse will come along. You are right not to rush that part. I'm in my mid-50s and although I've gotten creakier, I also believe I've gotten wiser. Just a wee bit. Happy New Year, my friend.
ReplyDeleteThis has me in tears all over again. I can't believe your beautiful boy is gone. Life is so cruel. I'm glad you're coping. I hope the book turned out well and that you will share your opinions of it when you're able to face it. I've been looking for a good way to have my blog printed out because I'm terrified of blogger going offline and losing everything. I'm glad you have all of your memories there for you when you're ready to relive the happy times. Don't feel pressured to get another horse. It's been ten months since I lost Storm and people keep offering me dogs but I can't face it. I'm not ready. There's nothing wrong with that. I hope 2015 is a great year for you and I hope you will continue blogging.
ReplyDeleteHi Teresa. I am so glad you made the book with Blurb. With time, I think the day will come when the bitter will fade and the book will then hold only the sweetness of cherished memory for you. I agree with you that a loss like your relationship with Steele settles into your bones and your soul. And changes you. Forever. Personally, because I had my Steele for so many years, the loss was irreplaceable. He and I were young together, and we grew into middle age together. We read each other's minds and souls and hearts. He was the equine love of my life. Ironically, he died the year I turned 50. And my birthday is May 12th. Weird, huh? I hope you will continue to train and ride. But I am not sure there is more than one "Steele" in a lifetime - for anyone. However, I do believe there is another dancing horse out there that is meant for you. It won't be the same dance you had with Steele, but I believe it, too, will be a beautiful and meaningful dance. It comes down to when. The universe has flawless timing...when it is the right time, you will cross paths with your new dancing partner. Please don't stop training and riding. I did, and it was not a good choice. Looking back, I am sure it disappointed my boy. He had such a generous heart - he would have wished for me to go on riding...and I feel certain his soul would have cantered alongside - often. And, deep inside where there is only room for truth, I am absolutely sure Steele will be alongside you always, as well. All the very best to you as this new year dawns. May it be one of new hope for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you decided to do a year in review. I have enjoyed following your journey in 2014.
ReplyDeleteSeeing the pictures of Steele made me tear up. :( Your blog is a wonderful tribute to him and it's a special way to treasure your memories of him.
Gosh, those pictures of you riding Steele are so gorgeous. It takes tremendous bravery to start a young horse on your own and you didn't just realize this dream you excelled way beyond it. You will be able to get excited about another horse someday and of course you have Irish, too. Your experience training Steele will benefit ever other horse that you sit on from this point forward. In that way, he will still be with you on every ride.
ReplyDeleteI love Hawaii. We visited the big Island in 2011. Best trip ever.
(((hugs)))) xox
ReplyDelete