Passion or Pathology?

I just got back from a two day conference on Autism. It was very good full of great and useful information.  One talk that I was looking forward to was a presentation on Autism and how it presents in females. Historically, autism has been largely a diagnosis for males at a ratio of 4-1.  However, there has been a recognition that the features that present for females is different (like many things the diagnostic criteria has been created for and normed on males).

you know that this is a horse blog, right? 

How does this relate to horses, you ask?  Hang on I'm getting to that.

The lecturer was saying that the, like males with ASD, girls can have very intense interests but it's not the same. 'often it's horses' she said. My ears pricked up. She went on to describe a young girl she was working with: 'she had books on horses, her wall was papered with horses, all she wanted to talk about was horses. I asked her what her plans were for the weekend and told me "I'm riding horses! Of course".  Everyone laughed. The lecturer said that it wasn't that she loved horses, 'lots of people like horses'  but the intensity and how this one interest overshadowed everything else.

Sound familiar?  It definitely did to me.

I do not believe that I have autism. Although, like the majority of people, I have some features in common. After all, autism is a cluster of symptoms and falls along a spectrum.* But even if I do, I am functioning fine and feel no need to have this explored.

But is my intense interest in horses something that is pathological?

I can never get enough of this. 

Merriam-Webster, defines  pathological as "being to such a degree that it is extreme, excessive or markedly abnormal.  Passion is defined as "a strong liking or devotion to some activity, object or concept."

It seems to me to a rather narrow line and probably depends on your perspective. I spend a lot of time and money on horses. I'm either taking care of, riding or thinking about them. I have always been this way.

I don't even want to think about how much money over the years....

It's highly likely that one day I won't be able to be around horses. I am not looking forward to that day and I feel bad for whoever will have to look after me because I'll probably be really grumpy. I confess to not understanding how people can go their whole lives without this all consuming passion. Although, if you give me a couple drinks, I might confess that perhaps they are happier.

So I don't know. What is the difference between passion and pathology? Do you know? Are we all one mental health visit away from a diagnosis? Do we care?

It's possible that I am overthinking it.

Just maybe.

What do you think?



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*This is note to say that, personally, I don't like to use the term 'Aspergers'. It's not because of the thinking that Aspergers is simply on the high functioning side of the spectrum. It's because Dr. Hans Asperger worked under the Nazi regime, believed in Eugenics and sent children deemed of 'no value' to their deaths. I simply cannot honour that name. https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-018-05112-1

Backward or Forward

Please stand by for a philosophical post.

I have thought long and hard about this post and even as I type I'm not sure that I will hit 'publish'. But I likely will because, well, I wrote it so fuck it here it is.

This is your last chance to look away.

You may recall (but probably not) that last june I wrote a post that hinted of something difficult coming my way and how the emotional toll of that was coming out in my riding. That 'thing' was going to court against the people who's dogs were responsible for the death of my horse. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do - to relive that day in public. I was a mess before and after I just curled up on the couch. BUT I also felt a burden lift. I had my say. I also learned that the dogs were gone and the cloud of worry that has followed me ever since about them coming back was dissipated. In the end I felt better and stronger for having gone through it.

The verdict was delayed and it just came this week. The wheels of justice are not slow, they are glacial.  The verdict was against us- the premise being that a dog owner is only responsible for the damage caused by a dog on his or her's own property- not on someone else's.

While Ed and I were not actually expecting any funds to come out of this we were...what's the word? shocked? disappointed? devastated? Whatever. It just seems fucking wrong to me.

BUT this post is not about that. It's about what I have decided to do with this.

Steele's death has haunted me for three years.

I am, though, at a point where I can look at his photos and smile. He was just so joyful and full of personality.

I can't let this horrible thing define me. I don't want to be known as the woman who's horse was killed. I want to known as a person who picks up pieces and keeps going.

So I have a choice:

I can dwell and stew on this which will change nothing but myself.

OR

I can 'draw a line under it' as they say and look forward. The case is closed and I have spent enough emotional energy on it.

still my favourite photo

People suffer losses and set backs every day. Look around the world and you can be inspired by people picking up and dealing with whatever it thrown at them. Look at  Puerto Rico after the hurricane. Look at Haiti after the earthquake. Look at my friend's who have lost family members. 

I chose to move forward. 

It all sounds very noble and enlightened but the truth is that I have no idea what that will look like. I suspect it will be less a straight line and more of a bendy, twirly line. But it will be my line and my choice. I am inspired every day by reading other blogs and how you all deal with set backs and devastating losses and go right back at it. My family, horses, dogs and cats will all be a big part of that. 

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I know that some of you may want to discuss the verdict. I am going to ask you to not discuss with me (although feel free to voice your feelings). This is part of me moving forward. If you feel strongly about it contact your MLA.
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