Let's Talk About Fear

This topic has been rolling around in my head for while. Today seemed like the right time to write it. I was inspired by a fellow blogger and friend Pam Levy: http://thewatertrough.ca/2015/04/11/who-makes-you-brave-2/ . You should check out her blog- it's a good one.

I do not consider myself to be a fearful person. Most times I go along believing that it will be okay and that I can handle stuff. But that all changed back in December.

When I was in the swamp with Steele waiting for help to arrive I have never felt so afraid or helpless in my whole life. That fear settled like a hard knot in my spirit and took up permanent residence.  I managed pretty well convincing Ed and myself that I was becoming okay.

Then Carmen came home and that knot of fear took over my whole being. I became terrified to let her out in the field. Like shaking terrified. Like unable to focus and leaping up to check the window every five minutes terrified.

Now fear can be useful- it lets us know that what we're contemplating doing is probably not a good idea. But it can also be non-productive and paralyzing. Which is what I experiencing and I had no idea how to deal with it. The winter weather didn't help. Somehow, the snow and ice became part of Steele's death in my head and I couldn't separate the two of them. The more it snowed and the colder it was the more oppressed I felt.

What was I afraid of? Essentially that something terrible was going to happen to Carmen.

I worried that she would flounder in the snow and break her leg.

I worried that she would jump over the fence (because the snow was so high) and break a leg.

Mostly I worried that the dogs would come back.

Really I was just surrounded by a cloud of fear and I couldn't talk myself out of it and had no idea how to deal with it.

I was even contemplating leaving Carmen inside until the snow melted. I knew that that was not a good idea and I didn't do it but I seriously thought about it.  Each time I let her out it felt like I was doing the bravest thing ever.

Ed was very very patient with me. He re-arranged his work schedule to make sure that he was home if I was away (he works from home). I was incapable of both of us being away and the horses outside. My good friend Joanne, seeing my fear, came and babysat one day when we both had to be at work.  We would talk about it. Ed would patiently point out that this couldn't go on forever. And I would reply that I knew that but couldn't figure out how to get around it. Every time they were out I would check out the window every 5 minutes. There were times when I actually sat there and talked myself through waiting another 5 minutes.

This has given me a whole new appreciation for people with Anxiety Disorders. I think that their ability to function at all should qualify them for a medal.

Slowly with time it's been getting better.

And then spring finally arrived. This weekend started with warm temperatures and rain which greatly reduced the snow level. Then on Saturday  the weather has warm and sunny. This finally melted the ice locking in Irish's door and we could open it to the outside. And when that happened that knot in soul began to loosen. Which is ridiculous. And freeing.

Carmen immediately popped inside Irish's stall and peed. She checked everything out and hung out with me in the barn. She's been spending the past two days thoroughly enjoying being able to pop in and out at will. Her stall should be free by this afternoon.

let me see if I like this one better

Irish: "I always lose my stall to the mares"

I've been outside digging trenches for the run off and couldn't be happier. Who knew that watching snow melt could be so much fun.

There has also been other interesting developments as well. With this change in myself Carmen is now much more interested in me. She seeks me out when I'm outside and positions herself by me. When I'm  near she blows in my ear. Last night I put her in the cross ties and she was as good as gold. I dropped an item in the food bin to surprise her and she looked at me with disdain "seriously?" If she had eyebrows she would have arched them.  I thought that I was covering up my emotions but you really cannot fool horses.

Full of Piss and Vinegar

That is how I would describe Miss Carmen these days. She is full of energy but unable to expend it in the deep snow and it's resulting in her feeling very energetic.

Yesterday it rained in the afternoon and the horses had to come in. When I came home from work I put Irish in the cross ties, cleaned out his stall and gave him a quick groom. He was, of course, Mr. Perfect.

I then brought out Carmen. She snorted at the radio playing and I had to stand there for a bit while she realized that the radio (which she's heard every day since she arrived) was not going to leap off the shelf and bite her on her delicate nose (she does have the cutest nose). I then put her in the cross ties. I decided to proceed on the side of caution so I shut the barn doors just in case she broke out of her cross ties.

I then started cleaning out her stall.

(Which leads to a question for other mare owners- is there a trick to finding the pee spots of mares? With geldings it's easy but I find looking for hers difficult. Kinda like an easter egg hunt. Only with pee. Not chocolate. )

Sorry, back to my story. Carmen was quite impatient, moving around, pawing and generally behaving like a young horse with an excess of energy. I ignored the unwanted behaviour and praised her when quiet. She does like being praised. I finished by putting hay in her rack and then went to give her a groom. That was okay- she likes being groomed. I then decided to put on her lighter blanket because it's warming up. I remembered that it was in my trunk which is, of course, a catch all for lead lines, brushes and other stuff that I plan to put away. I picked up some stuff and dropped it into the feed bin of the empty stall.

Carmen exploded. I leaped away while she leapt ahead
Flee, run for your lives!
She jumped ahead and hit the end of the cross ties and then bounced back (I love my stretchy cross ties, they give so there's less to fight). She stood there prancing piaffing and looking wild eyed.

"whoaaa" I said soothingly.
whoa? WHOA? I must flee
You're being silly I simply made a noise. 
I began to rattle the items in the feed bin while she stamped her feet. I kept doing it and she started looking less frightened and more peeved.
Stop that!
I will. when you stop dancing around. 
I don't like it
I realize that but noises happen all the time and you can't just flee. 

We ended with me dropping stuff into the bin and her standing there. Looking royally annoyed but still. That's my girl.

I finished up with my groom and changing out her blanket. I walked her back to the stall and she got ahead of me going in.
Nope.
So we spent some time going in and out of the stall until she remembered what it was I expected.

I did like how quickly she figured out that the noise was no big deal. I tend to not pussy foot around my horses so that they get used to noise and abrupt movements without losing the plot.

All of this is the result of young horse, well fed who needs to be exercised. I've cut back her grain ration and bumped up her roughage. While I would like more weight on her I will have to settle with a slower gain until I get her butt into the ring and put it to work.

In Which I Score Shiny New Boots!

I have to confess to a weakness for footwear.  Put me in any shopping district or mall and I can walk by most stores but am drawn to the shoe stores. To continue on requires a herculean effort of will. I also have the ability to find the most expensive pair of shoes in any store.  It's a gift. Or a curse, because I have limits on what I will pay. So imagine my excitement when I saw a flash sale on  nifty pair of boots on the Dover Website- Turffrider Sport Dress Tall boots. They were on sale for $99! I clicked through to the website and began to purchase. I was profoundly disappointed to find out that the shipping to Canada was more than double the cost of the boots.
I was annoyed.

yes that's me. 

I posted whine on FB. Which turned out to be a smart decision, no matter what the experts say

Because a friend of mine sent me a message that she was travelling to the U.S. soon to visit a friend and could bring them back. A few messages back and forth and arrangements were made. I bought the boots and had them shipped them to the U.S. address for a reasonable delivery fee. My friend picked them up, declared them at the border and then sent them to me. They arrived today.

Unfortunately kittens don't come as an extra

They are soft and supple- a combination of half-chaps and boots in one.

I love the design

tabs at the bottom and top for the zipper

gussets on either side of the zipper

I measured my calf three times to make sure- but yup I fit the 'regular calf size' (insert happy dance here that I'm no longer 'extra wide'!). And they fit like a glove. I am glad that I ordered a half-size up in the foot though. I have a wide foot and often have to go up a size.

I can't wait to start schooling in them.

An Upset in the Status Quo

As you know from my last post you know that Irish is being a bit of a bully with Carmen. I think that there's a few reasons-

1. Herd dynamics: there is always a hierarchy with horses. It might be subtle but it's there.

2. Weather: It.Won't.Stop.Snowing. Which means that the turn out space is limited. The horses are
feeling a bit cooped up and I don't blame them. Winter is like a house guest that won't leave.

3. Irish is missing Lexie. I know I'm anthropomorphizing here but I truly believe that he misses her. He's looks in her stall every morning and just seems to be looking for her.

I've taken to putting out 3 piles of hay spaced far apart so that Carmen can have access to hay without being chased away.

Today I let them out late because it had been (surprise!) snowing. They pranced around a bit and Irish had a great time rolling. Before Carmen would watch him with a look of horror. Today she sniffed, pawed, sniffed, pawed and then rolled. She looked like she find it surprisingly refreshing.

Carmen went to pile of hay and Irish chased her off. She went to go around to the other one and he body blocked her.  She turned around and I said 'For heavens sake give him a kick'. At that point she let fly with both heels-missing him but definitely a warning shot across the bow.
'whoa'  Irish backed up like he was on fire.

I swear that I  saw a light bulb go off over Carmen's head. With a squeal and a leap she chased him down into the small paddock while I laughed. She looked at me  like a cat that ate the Canary.

Last time I looked out Carmen was eating at the hay pile of her choice while Irish is down by the barn with a bemused expression on his face.

I am enjoying this young mare. Whenever I'm outside her gaze is locked on me. If a approach the gate she comes right down. While this may change once the grass is in I'm loving her attention.

Irish is feeling naughty

The weather is warming up and things are melting like crazy. I spent Good Friday digging paths for the melting snow so it wouldn't back up into the barn. So far so good. Yesterday Ed and I were heading into the city to watch a match for the Men World Curling Championship. Friends had secured a sky box. After we were to go to dinner.

I had arranged for a 'sitter' but I wanted the horses to be out for a bit in the morning even though it was raining lightly. I figured that I would bring them in around lunch before the rain really started. I put a rain sheet on Irish and took him out. When I went to get Carmen she gave an excited spin in her stall but then stood while I put on her halter. I opened the door and counted to five before we left. I won't take her out until we stand still at the door and she not allowed to pass me. She figured this out pretty quickly and I could see her actively repressing her desire to shoot by me and go out. We then walked out at a sedate pace and I let her go.

About an hour later I look out the window and there's Irish yanking on her blanket at her hind end while she eats. I throw up the window
"IRISH! KNOCK IT OFF!"
He stops and looks around in surprise. He can't see me but he knows I'm somewhere. After a minute he reaches for her blanket again
"IRISH! STOP IT!"
He looks up again. where is she? 
He slowly and oh-so-casually brings his teeth back to the blanket.
I growl something incoherent out the window.
With that Carmen decides to move away.

I sit back down. About 20 minutes later I look out and he's chasing Carmen out of the small paddock. She goes up to the top of the hill and then back down. He pins his ears and she scoots back up. My snow is still pretty deep and I really don't want them fooling around. With a sigh I put on my boots and coat and head out.

As soon as she sees me Carmen comes trotting down the hill right to me.

save me!

Irish gives me his most innocent face.

what? 

I bring Carmen in and she walks perfectly beside me. As soon as she's in her stall she begins to spin excitedly.
"oh my god. Where's Irish? I need him!"

Horses are not big on logic.

I go and get Irish who comes in like a lamb and begins to eat his hay.
"I didn't want to be out there. Didn't you know it's raining?"

It's going to be an interesting spring. Once it arrives.

In Which Carmen Meets the Vet

Every year I have the vet come and do the annual vaccinations, teeth floating and general check up.  I was happy that we could arrange it for the week after Carmen arrived. This is the same vet who loaned us Lexie and I knew that he would be interested to meet our new addition.

I had planned to get home before he arrived so that I could bring the horses in, sweep the barn and maybe give them a quick groom. I didn't want him to think that my horses lived in a pig sty. As I'm in the truck heading home my cell phone pings with a message.
crap

I'm pretty sure that I know what it is- and I'm right. It's Ed telling me that he's here an hour early. I send a message that I'm on my way and to start with Irish. I know that the vet had arranged us so that he could home after and that farm appointments with vets are general time frames because they never really know how their day will go. He will have to endure the unswept aisle from this morning.....

I pull up and hop out of the truck. Ed is there chatting with the vet. He says "I learn all sorts of things when Rob comes" I agree. Rob is one of those vets who loves to answer questions. We talk about Irish while Irish makes calf eyes at Rob. Irish loves this vet and will tolerate anything he does. I say "I truly believe that you could cut off his leg and he would stand there and let you do it". 
And while that might be an exaggeration, it's not by much. A few years ago Irish had stitches in his hind leg (up by the inside of his hock) where he got his leg caught over an electric rope fence. Rob was able to take his stitches out while he stood in the paddock without even a lead line. Irish just stood there and let him do it. Irish has his needles and his teeth lightly floated and he's done. We did discuss that Irish has lost muscle over his topline. I'm not surprised. With all the snow he really doesn't have room to move around.

We move on to Carmen. I take off her blanket and she looks at this new person in her stall. He looks her over just like he's doing pre-purchase exam. I'm not surprised, he loves to check out new horses. We talk about where she's from and how I came to own her. He commented that she was lovely, well put together and athletic.

 I said that the vet in Virginia who did the PPE said she needed her teeth done.  He looked and agreed- she had a lot of sharp points along her back teeth. Rob gave her a light sedative and within a few minutes she was all mellow and dozy. He let me feel her teeth and they were quite sharp along her cheek. It took a while but he got them all done and then gave her her vaccinations.  She began to come out of her sedation and began to happily munch on her hay.

As he was getting into his truck and I was checking that he hadn't left anything (he often does) he smiled at me and said 'you have a nice horse there'  and then he drove away. Irish watched him drive away and gave a sigh.

I went back in and hung over her stall door watching her eat. She came over to say hi and and I scratched her  nose.

I do have two nice horses.

Working on the Foundation

I've been spending my free time (time not spent working or ice chipping) spending time with Carmen and working on the foundation of our partnership. I know that this is something that is built on our daily interactions and needs to be built carefully and without shortcuts. One aspect I've been doing is working on her leading. She leads pretty good but she's not solidly following my lead and I need her to understand about personal space, pace, direction etc at a level that is without question.

Weanieeventer introduced me to Warwick Schiller videos. I've heard of him and seen some videos before but right now they are resonating with me. He doesn't do special gear or act like he's a magician. He simply applies simple common sense. He reminds me a lot of Royce (the one who helped me back Steele).  He has some lovely short videos on leading. it's very similar to what is done with dogs as well. The idea is that the horse is to stay behind you and follow wherever you go. They cannot drag you or pass you or act like a kite on the end of a string. What he does is walk around with  a loose line and whenever the horse is distracted or is trying to lead he changes directions. After a while the horse begins to really tune into him because they don't know where he's going next. And once they do that they stop worrying about what else is going around. He also says that as a horse begins to trust your leadership the separation anxiety will fade. 

I've been applying his techniques as I lead Carmen out in the morning and back in. Initially she was quite anxious as Irish goes out first and in last. But now I walk around with her until she's listening to me and not focussed on where Irish is. And it's working. She waits in her stall for me to lead us out  and does not try to drag us back to the barn. She is quite smart and quick to figure out what I want. 

Last night we went out and walked up and down the driveway by all sorts of things and, while she was a bit worried, as we worked she forgot about the house, flapping flag pole, garbage can, snow etc and focussed on me. I could walk and she followed behind. When I stopped she stopped and stood there. As soon as I moved she moved with me. I brought her in and gave her a nice groom. She stood well with no pawing. I took Irish out and she stayed calm and, rather than stand at her door looking anxious, she simply ate her hay.  

Today when I came home from work I changed to go out and do my barn chores. As soon as I came out she lifted her head, looked at me and gave a whinny.  It warmed my heart in way I haven't felt for a while. When I brought her in she was not panicked about where Irish was at all. She was a bit worried but she's moving in the right direction. 

I have a horse who is both smart and beautiful.