Home

A few days ago Dom wrote a beautiful post sharing her heartbreak about having to leave her home. It struck a chord with me and I wanted to reach across the internet and give her a hug.

It took me a long time to find my home. I don't remember a lot about my early childhood but I do remember living with my Grandparents in the country for a while. I loved it. When my mom was able to get a job and an apartment she took us back to live with her in a small apartment on the outer part of  the city. I hated it. The noise, asphalt and buildings blocking the sun were an assault on the senses. People yelled if you went on their yard and there was only one park- a 3 acre patch of grass with a small hill that had a grave on it. I used to sneak away a few blocks to a forest that was a few streets over. I spent a lot of time there. Thinking back I realize how dangerous it was a for a  7 year old to be wondering the woods in the city. I was lucky.

I know it's weird, but I have loved trees my whole life. 

I have lived in a few places since that apartment and, while I have enjoyed all of them, I have not felt that it was home. But I didn't know that I didn't feel that until I found the place that we live now.  I knew it from the first time I looked at it. 

Why this little farmhouse? I don't know. It would be like me describing why I love Ed. I just know. 

I feel that I know every inch of this property. In all weathers. 

Sometimes I am sitting in an all day meeting and I find myself feeling frazzled and drained. When I get into the car to head home I am impatient and anxious. Sometimes I worry that I am getting agoraphobic. But when I turn onto my road I can feel my heart start to ease.  I change my clothes and Guinness and I hit the woods. 

Guinness and his BFF Ripley (my son's dog)

As I walk my trails, throwing a ball periodically for Guinness I feel the trappings of the day fall away.  

hearts ease

This place is my dream but it hasn't stopped me from feeling heartbreak. Far from it. Sometimes it seems harder here. Maybe because I have opened my heart more than I thought possible. 

Martin, Belle and d'tracy are gone but it seems like only yesterday that we were all having fun exploring our new home. I do not know where Martin is but Belle and d'Arcy are here. 

I love when the swallows return to the barn. I cried this year when the babies died during the heat wave. We have a grouse that lives in my woods. It makes me jump all the time when I'm walking because it flies off in such a noisy flap. Lately I haven't heard it and I worry that the coyotes have gotten it. 

It took me 47 years but I now have a place that owns me as much as I own it. How could I leave? Pieces of my heart are buried here. 

4 years today I said goodbye