Kintsugi

 Saturday marked 10 years since I lost Steele. It seems amazing how quickly time passed. I usually spend the day quietly and do not make big plans. In the past I would often have nightmares about that day leading up to it. But the past couple years this did not happen. 

he's the reason I even started this blog

This year I reflected on how much I have changed that can be traced directly back to that one awful day.  I learned to deal with my anxiety, mostly by starting to acknowledge that I even had anxiety. I spent a lot of time pushing those difficult emotions into a box and locking it. Now I have much more awareness of it and what triggers it. I still have difficulty leaving the farm for the day with the horses alone but I can do it. I try to give others (and myself)  more grace and kindness. I don't always manage to, because, hey, human, but I try. 

Before I had a lot of self-confidence and was sure about things. But it wasn't built on a firm foundation.  I've spent the past few years rebuilding.  Carmen was a huge part of that as well. She showed me all my flaws as a rider and a horse person. 

not interested making friends at all

It would have been so easy to give up and I almost did. But for whatever reason, I refused to give up and I kept trying. It was definitely a 2 steps forward, 1 back, 3 forward, 4 back kind of deal.  Now she is my heart. We have a really good connection now and it shows up in all sorts of ways.  Knowing what I know now it probably would have gone smoother but there's no point in regretting that I didn't know what I needed to know to help her without having her show me that I didn't know (hopefully that made sense). 

Not that it was all me. In fact, it would be impossible without all the people who helped me. I am where I am because of their kindness and willingness to share their knowledge.  

Quaid has been a huge part of my healing. Like Steele he has an 'old' soul. He's smart and kind, even when he's being a bit of brat. I think it's time for him to have his own page.  

On Saturday I let the horses out and I was cleaning their stalls. They have transitioned to hay outside now that the grass is dying.  I was quietly picking out the stalls and then Quaid quietly walked in. I tried to work around him but he was quite insistent that I give him scratches. Not in a pushy way, he just kept standing by me. 

Hai, I need scritches. It will 
make you feel better

It was lovely to stand in the stall just being with him. I heard a nicker and I looked out and there was Carmen standing right outside the door. I don't know what she wanted, but I will say that she nickers at me a lot these days. 

No one gets through life without failure, loss, heartache or trauma. It can be painful and horrible and feel hopeless.  Rebuilding from these events are what make us who we are. They give us depth and beauty and strength.