Kintsugi

 Saturday marked 10 years since I lost Steele. It seems amazing how quickly time passed. I usually spend the day quietly and do not make big plans. In the past I would often have nightmares about that day leading up to it. But the past couple years this did not happen. 

he's the reason I even started this blog

This year I reflected on how much I have changed that can be traced directly back to that one awful day.  I learned to deal with my anxiety, mostly by starting to acknowledge that I even had anxiety. I spent a lot of time pushing those difficult emotions into a box and locking it. Now I have much more awareness of it and what triggers it. I still have difficulty leaving the farm for the day with the horses alone but I can do it. I try to give others (and myself)  more grace and kindness. I don't always manage to, because, hey, human, but I try. 

Before I had a lot of self-confidence and was sure about things. But it wasn't built on a firm foundation.  I've spent the past few years rebuilding.  Carmen was a huge part of that as well. She showed me all my flaws as a rider and a horse person. 

not interested making friends at all

It would have been so easy to give up and I almost did. But for whatever reason, I refused to give up and I kept trying. It was definitely a 2 steps forward, 1 back, 3 forward, 4 back kind of deal.  Now she is my heart. We have a really good connection now and it shows up in all sorts of ways.  Knowing what I know now it probably would have gone smoother but there's no point in regretting that I didn't know what I needed to know to help her without having her show me that I didn't know (hopefully that made sense). 

Not that it was all me. In fact, it would be impossible without all the people who helped me. I am where I am because of their kindness and willingness to share their knowledge.  

Quaid has been a huge part of my healing. Like Steele he has an 'old' soul. He's smart and kind, even when he's being a bit of brat. I think it's time for him to have his own page.  

On Saturday I let the horses out and I was cleaning their stalls. They have transitioned to hay outside now that the grass is dying.  I was quietly picking out the stalls and then Quaid quietly walked in. I tried to work around him but he was quite insistent that I give him scratches. Not in a pushy way, he just kept standing by me. 

Hai, I need scritches. It will 
make you feel better

It was lovely to stand in the stall just being with him. I heard a nicker and I looked out and there was Carmen standing right outside the door. I don't know what she wanted, but I will say that she nickers at me a lot these days. 

No one gets through life without failure, loss, heartache or trauma. It can be painful and horrible and feel hopeless.  Rebuilding from these events are what make us who we are. They give us depth and beauty and strength.  

2024 Takeaways

 December is here and riding is really limited with the weather. I've been taking advantage of the weather when I can but because I can't be super consistent I keep the rides short.  

It feels like a good time to look at the past year and all that happened. It feels like it's been a really packed year. I realised that I never wrote down any goals but I definitely had them in my head. Mostly around improving my riding and showing the horses. I did join a FB group called PonyUp Pro. The idea behind the page is to set a goal (typically 100 rides) with the aim of improving through consistent horsemanship. It is a judgement free zone with no unsolicited advice allowed. I decided to set a goal of 100 rides on both Carmen and Quaid and 100 workouts through the year (gym workouts, riding or walking dogs was not included in this).  

It's cold but it's nice to see the sky

January was pretty low key which is pretty typical given the weather. Carmen did manage to surprise me with coming up lame. Surprising because she is rarely lame and those have always been abscesses. Fortunately, she recovered pretty quickly and I learned the usefulness of Voltaren in reducing swelling. 

February was an exciting month. Quaid went away for training and did really well. The getting there was pretty exciting when my truck caught fire.   I learned that I should always have a fire extinguisher in the truck. I also learned that I will crawl under a burning vehicle to save my horse. And, most importantly, that people are awesome and will step up to help.  Within an hour I had a new truck and help to hook it up. 

Julia and I now use this experience as a new standard. When things seem crappy we just ask is it on fire? No? Then it's fine.  And I got a new truck that hauls like a dream: 

Quaid was a rockstar through the whole ordeal although it clearly had an impact on him.  He ended up being treated for ulcers and broke out in hives when excited. And still managed to be a real star with the training. 

I loved getting to ride him at
the end of the month

In the meantime Carmen was staying at my friend's place and she had an indoor. It was fabulous to have a place to ride her in all weather. She was also a total rockstar and seemed to really enjoy her time there. 

she loved the mirror. 

When it was time to leave she refused to get on the trailer. It was really frustrating but I learned that I do know what I'm doing- as long as I take a deep breath and then use the fundamentals of good groundwork.  I then bought some stuff to take the smell out of the trailer and she hasn't had any issues since. 

Honestly, it was an incredibly busy month which is not typical for February (I am not counting last February when I had to take Quaid to the vet college for his hoof puncture surgery!). 

March was a welcome reprieve and a chance for us all to settle back into routines. We had the annual vet visit and Quaid did not react well to the vaccine. He did respond really well to ulcer treatments and I was able to pick up where he left off at Mike and Nikki's training. It was interesting- I learned that Carmen was much further ahead after being ridden consistently in February. I also learned that my confidence in picking up Quaid's training was a bit lacking. I was so worried about screwing things up and/or him exploding that I was being far too careful. Slow is okay but doing nothing is counterproductive. 

April saw us get back to more regular work. I learned the value of consistency and focusing on how I work with the horses vs the frequency. I also was able to score a lesson on Quaid with Jane and it was exactly what I needed. 

the big takeaway? Stop riding him like a baby.  

There was a huge addition to the family in April with the addition of Cordelia. She has been a true gem and I'm so happy she's joined us. That is was part of a fun trip to Montreal was just icing on the cake. 

in May I celebrated turning 60. It was a big milestone and it still feels surreal that I am officially a senior. 

Cordelia and Guinness bonded

Riding really ramped up as the weather improved. There was one near-disastrous ride on Carmen but Jane was teaching and we worked through it. This marked a turning point for me (even though I didn't realize it at the time) that I was fully capable of dealing with a full on tantrum and coming out the other side.  It was a real boost to my self-confidence. At the same time I was chipping away at things with Quaid. 

In June we had our first show. Carmen and I had a very successful time showing at Second Level. Not only was I happy with our performance but I had a lot of fun riding and socialising.  Carmen showed me that she understands the work and I learned to really ride her through all the tests and not be a passenger. 

June was a lot of firsts for Quaid as well. I rode him in the ring on the Friday and then in the warm up ring during the show.  He also went on his first hack with Carmen being a very solid babysitter. 

July in NS is always beautiful

Quaid was also ridden in his first clinic with Johanna Batista. Long time readers will recall that she is a dressage trainer from Spain. She really helped me to understand how to establish a solid contact with him. It was very useful to ride him in a lesson two days in a row. 

July was packed with riding and adventures despite the heat. It started off with the very scary situation of being without a vet when our clinic suspended all equine services. Fortunately we were able to be picked up by a vet clinic that is much further away. It's never been more important to have a truck and trailer. I learned a lot about the current crisis in veterinary medicine and I don't anticipate that it will end anytime soon.  

Both horses also travelled to Krista's for a 3 day Jane clinic. Both of them were ridden just twice and Julia did a lesson on Carmen for one of those. It was a good dry run of taking the two horses and riding both of them away. It was intense and I learned a lot but it was so valuable. With Quaid I learned that I need to stop just f-ing sitting there (my words) and ride this horse forward. He is, of course going to be uncertain and I need to be the rock for him. Not that this really gelled for me right away. But at least the foundation was laid. Carmen was completely magnificent. I can trust now that I can take her places and she will be a solid citizen. I don't need to manage her emotions anymore.  Quaid, of course needs more management. 

 

we had our moments....

Carmen showing how it's done

August was all about working away at things. Things really began to jell with Carmen in our lessons. We began to soften and reach for contact rather than take and fuss. 

like I can give here and not die. who knew? 

Riding Quaid really solidified the need to have answers for his questions. Because he's green very little can be attributed to will disobedience. It's all just a question 'is this what you want?'.  And because he's green having answers pays off almost immediately. Because there's nothing to unlearn.  We really gained some confidence in our canter as well. 

Ed and I also had a fabulous vacation in Newfoundland. If you have the chance go, it's incredible. We hiked a ton and, also, ate a ton so it all worked out. 

The big event in September was that I showed both horses. Thank goodness Julia was there to help because it felt like a lot. Mostly because it was a lot. But honestly, it was such a great experience. Both horses exceeded my expectations. For one of the first times Carmen was really forward and I learned that she really does not have a half-halt at canter and I really need to work on that.  Quaid did two tests and it really pushed his limits. I learned that riding him forward is key. I also learned that he can be a little gate sour and that I can totally keep my cool when he's melting down. We earned my favourite comment of all time: 'very naughty'.  It was really hammered home that I need to be his rock and give direction. And that he will respond to that.  I also learned that Quaid can break a bucket with his foot which led to the purchase of a rubber bucket to prevent this in the future. I'm hopeful that I can work through his separation anxiety. 

In early September I also hit the 100 ride mark on Carmen. That averaged out to approximately 13 rides per month (since I didn't ride in January at all) which is not bad. By this point Quaid was at 68 rides. By the end of the month I hit my goal of 100 workouts for the year. 

Near the end of September Guinness had to have emergency (and expensive) surgery to remove a toy from his intestine. He did really well with surgery and bounced back to his normal self. 

October saw Quaid getting a new bit that really worked for him. I didn't write about it but I also got a new bit for Carmen. It was a broken snaffle but one designed to prevent  her from putting her tongue over the bit- something she liked to do to evade. It really works well for her and has allowed us to be a lot softer (if you're curious it was the Neue Schulz Verbindend bit). 

I had a bit of a breakthrough with Carmen realising how important the rhythm was for our work. It was a real paradigm shift for me and has led to all sorts of progress. 

Julia, Tanya and I had a blast travelling to Coveside to ride the trails. It was a lot for Quaid but he handled it well with his support group. It was so much fun. 

November was a shit show to be honest. It started with Quaid coming down with Anaplasmosis. I was able to get him treated right away and he responded really well to the treatment. The only downside was that, unlike many horses, he wouldn't eat his meds sprinkled on his feed so I had to syringe him twice a day for 21 days. He's so good for this but it was taking a toll on both of us. 

Then near the end of the month Guinness suddenly passed away. It was awful and we're still dealing with it. Thank heavens for Cordelia, she's been a real source of joy. 

I continued to ride and school with really positive results. But honestly, these all fade in light of his loss. 

Which brings us to December. Quaid has been returning to work but the weather is not being very cooperative. I try to make the time count when I ride so that I'm building on progress. I'm hoping that we'll have some better weather soon. In good news I did hit 100 rides on Quaid last week which felt like a big milestone. 

And that is a summary of our year. We did a lot and I learned a lot. If I had to sum up lessons learned this year they would be: 

• I am more competent than I believe at time and I need to ride with this in mind. I am quite proud of the work I have done with both horses. 
• Physical fitness makes a huge difference in being able to ride well. Which, like, yeah it shouldn't be a surprise. I remember the first time I was riding Carmen and she was throwing her shoulders around and I realised that I could just sit in the right position and not be unbalanced. I enjoy the workouts and I like feeling in control of my body. I have lost a lot of weight but, more importantly, I am stronger. 
• Having a good ride on Carmen is no longer dependent on her mood. I knew I could ride through things with her. But now I am able to influence her feelings so she can start off feeling like 'fuck this crap' and end up in a soft and happy space. 
• Quaid is well on his way to being a solid citizen. A lot of that is his basic temperament. But he's also sensitive and can be a bit emotional. It takes good work to create a good horse. 
• Keeping two horses in work is a lot. I'm glad I'm retired because it makes it easier. I am planning to show both of them next year and I won't have Julia for help because she's abandoning me moving away to follow her dreams. I'm devastated really happy for her.