There's something personal going that I'm not going to blog about (maybe later but most likely not). Anyway, this personal thing involves something that will be incredibly emotionally painful and draining. And for a brief time today I thought I had a reprieve. The weight lifted off was indescribable. But then it turned out that I was wrong and it came crashing back down.
Poor Cynthia was with me- she had come to ride Irish. I think that if she hadn't been there I would have gone into the house and just hid. But she drove all this way and I couldn't send her back home because I was in some sort of crisis.
But Teresa, I hear you saying, you shouldn't ride if you are emotionally not stable.
And you are correct- it's a bad idea to ride if you are upset or angry or generally out of whack (technical term).
I know this.
And still, I said 'fuck it' and got my horse ready.
Did I mention that Carmen hadn't been ridden since Sunday?
Are you worried about me yet?
Here's the thing- when you have experience with anxiety and depression you learn to shove it all down deep and then put your foot on the trap door.
Which is what I did.
So when I mounted Carmen and she was a bit tense I simply said 'whatever'. I honestly didn't care if I came off.
I sat up and gave her rein and when she sucked back I booted her forward. When she spooked I simply put my leg on and we went.
Carmen became confused. But not in a I don't know what you want way. More like a what's up with you? way.
And she actually tried to meet me half-way. And the 3/4 of of the way. And then we were riding around and it was easy.
In the end it was a very good ride. There was no drama or big spooks. A couple little ones but nothing to write home about.
We rode around the field and I gave her a loose rein and we trotted part of the way.
But the joy of riding was missing. Which is not what I want. I know, though, that the joy will come back.
I just need to figure out how to be all 'whatever' but joyfully.
How hard could that be?
Will be thinking about you. Sending Mini hugs your wayReplyDelete
Mini hugs are the best.Delete
Sometimes you need that whatever attitude with riding, but I hope things getter better, whatever they are.ReplyDelete
ugh i'm sorry things are crappy right now :( personally i'm glad you pressed forward to ride anyway tho. like, sure, riding with a bad attitude is maybe not the best idea if it means we'll pick fights with the horse (been there, ugh)... but simultaneously i need riding to be a thing that i can turn to even when all else is not great. i'm glad it turned into a good ride!ReplyDelete
I was very careful to NOT fight. I'm glad that I didn't.Delete
Worried about you. Send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.orgReplyDelete
Absolutely if you need someone to talk to, I am all ears. I know you have given me good advice and calming words in comments to my posts. https://13ahamoments.com/contact/Delete
Thinking of you <3 Dealing with emotional stuff is no fun, but I am glad that Carmen tried to make you feel better. It sounded like altho she was confused initially, she wanted to attempt to help lighten your mood and in some ways, I think she succeeded.ReplyDelete
It was interesting to see her reach for me for a changeDelete
Sorry to hear you are going through this. *internet stranger hugs*ReplyDelete
FWIW, I own a TB but my teenage daughter is the rider. When I drove her to the barn when she was going through bad periods of anxiety/depression I'd suggest we just groom him and go play in the arena with pockets full of treats. He'd always get a smile out of her. Just being in the moment with a goofy animal banished the clouds temporarily.
Horses are good for the soulDelete
Yes to this! Or going for hand walks out in the pasture. A little exercise, a little fresh air, increase circulation, the smell/feel/energy of the horse.Delete
Thinking of you. ❤️ReplyDelete
Sorry to hear you're having to go through that. Sometimes riding is a mistake, but sometimes it works out - particularly if you have a strong connection with your horse and are able to hear what they are saying to you - sometimes that's just what you need to give you some moments of peace and harmony.ReplyDelete
That is very trueDelete
I need some of your whatever attitude. I'm glad she was there for you. I swear they know when they need to step it up. Hoping things smooth out for you in your personal life.ReplyDelete
It can be useful and it did give me some useful insights.Delete
Hugs and uplifting thoughts.ReplyDelete
Thinking of you <3 And what incredible progress in your relationship that Carmen felt your mood and stepped up her game accordingly to give you a good ride under the circumstances.ReplyDelete
That is a good observationDelete
It's remarkable how horses pick up the slack when we're so mentally done with a certain day. I hope you find the strength to power through whatever is going on <3ReplyDelete
She did pick up my slack that's for sure. Horses always surprise me.Delete
Sending all my love and prayers. I know how you feel. Trust me. Put your foot on that trap door and ride your horse. I am not at all surprised that she met you 3/4 of the way. Let her rhythmic movement massage away your troubles for the short time. Ease your brain and get out of the circular thinking. Focus on breathing. You are too close to whatever is going on to see or feel the joy in riding possibly...and you are so used to being focused on something specific when you ride. Relax and just be present. Enjoy her for who she is and allow her to be there for you like you have been there for her. It will come.ReplyDelete
Some very good advice. Thank you.Delete
Okay Teresa, you got this! Hugs and support from MB! Take refuge in your pony. Bury your face in that beautiful dapple neck and breathe deeply.ReplyDelete
I'm glad the ride went well despite your emotions. I don't know what's going on so I'm reluctant to say something optimistic. Instead, here are some silent *hugs*ReplyDelete
Thank you for the hugsDelete
Love the trap door description - so accurate, although I'm very sorry you're needing to use it. Glad the horses and riding buddies are there to help, and I hope things improve soon for you!ReplyDelete
I think that many of us have a trap door. It comes in handy at times.Delete
Sorry to hear you are having troubles, I totally relate with the riding. When I have an especially bad day, it seems the horses realize the tolerance is pretty low and we end up with a great ride with no fighting. Glad you had a good ride, now you just need to be able to enjoy the ride too. I hope things brighten up for you soon.ReplyDelete
Thank you. I'm sure things will improve.Delete
Sending positive vibes your way, I hope things brighten up for you soon.ReplyDelete
The trapdoor analogy is very apt - I know what it is like to worry that if you let your foot off, you may fall in and drown. On the days that I DON'T want to ride, I know that if I put it aside temporarily and just GO to my horse, I will invariably feel strengthened by that contact with him. The issues don't disappear, of course, but I just feel a little better able to meet them.ReplyDelete
I am not sure what i would do without horses.Delete
While I cannot pretend to know what you are going through, I can empathize that I too have had those types of feelings and rides. I always think when everything else feels crappy is that at least I have the horses. Hugs <3ReplyDelete
Yes- I do not know what I would without my critters and family. thank you for the hugDelete
Thinking of you. I hope things improve and you can return to finding the joy in riding.ReplyDelete
I have no doubt that the joy will come back. I just need to add in the total relaxation. How is your pony doing?Delete
I'm sorry you're having to go through whatever it is that has robbed you of your deepest joy. I hope it's temporary. I'm very glad Carmen stepped up and met you where you were. My horses have helped me through some of my darkest days, and there have been some dark ones where I also didn't care if I lived or died. Dig in to whatever makes you strongest through whatever this is.ReplyDelete
When I feel emotionally unstable, I still get on, but I just walk around on my horse. I feel him breathe, I smell his earthy smell, and just enjoy being able to ride. I'm sorry for whatever is going on, and I'm sorry the ride didn't help :(ReplyDelete
*big hugs* I hope whatever it is over quickly and you are able to healReplyDelete