The ring is inside a hockey arena so it's got seating that's above the ring, plus lots of openings and lined with plexiglass.
|not spooky, right? RIGHT?|
It's also coinciding with cooler weather and Carmen has become more feisty.
I'm okay with feisty and sassy. I'm trying to not worry about the spinning/bolting and her shutting me out.
It's one thing to go to a small schooling show that's so supportive. And this show is really not going to be that different - other than the venue.
Yet I am still freaking out.
My demons are speaking up and gaining ground:
- you are going get hurt
- Carmen is going to bolt on you
- everyone will see how terrible a rider you are
- you are over-facing her/yourself and going to look like a fool.
But why? Why have I lost my confidence? My brain knows that if it doesn't go well it's not the end of the world.
The rest of me is saying that my brain is stupid.
I can't take this attitude into the saddle. Because that will make everything worse.
So instead of getting ready/organize and/or riding I sit here and blog.
Because maybe, just maybe, if I put it in print I can take a look and see if for what it is: self-doubt that, while it's not without merit, is not the full truth.
Part of the truth is that Carmen can be spooky/bolty. She can decide that nope, she's not gonna to listen to me and threaten to escalate if I don't back down.
The other part is that I have ridden through her antics before. I have tools to use.
The final piece of the truth is that Carmen can look to me for leadership and is doing so more and more.
So it's not a total crap shoot as to how it will turn out.
But before I ride my horse I have to corral my demons.
Wish me, not luck, but strength of mind and belief in myself. In Carmen. In where we are now- not where we've been.