First of all let me thank everyone who commented (here and on FB), sent me messages and just reached out to offer support. It didn't matter that you didn't know what it was about and I was truly touched by all of you. Friday I had to do something was going to be incredibly awful. I felt that it was impossible for me to get through it. But I found strength that I didn't know I had and I made it through to the other side. I don't think that I could have done it at all without Ed but you were all part of it too.
Now that it's done I feel like a huge weight is lifted off of our shoulders. We spent friday hiding on the farm and went out for a nice dinner. Today we went to visit Alec and Ripley (I think I forgot to tell you that Ripley has gone home). Cynthia and Andrew came by in the afternoon and Cynthia and I went for a ride.
I wanted to focus on getting my 'whatever' attitude but without the numbness. And I actually managed to do it. I wasn't able t keep it 100% but I was pretty consistent. And it meant that we were able to school. Removing the emotion from the riding is helming me stay clear in my intent and in my signals. And funnily enough, taking away the tightness is improving my seat.
Once when we were cantering she gave a scoot and sped off a bit out of control.
Whoops I said Where are we going?
Carmen: what is happening with you? Have you been drinking?
Me: Well maybe one glass of wine before our ride...(note to self if this happens in the show don't ask 'where are we going' out loud).
I have a lot more to do but today I managed to ride and to have fun. Even when she freaked out at the end because Irish left the ring before us- I still worked her through it and I did not let any dramatics keep me off course. I felt zero fear and that was interesting. Maybe getting through Friday helped that as well.
It will be interesting to see where this takes us.