dancing horses

dancing horses

Friday, December 23, 2016

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The past two Christmases have been difficult. Two years ago I was still reeling from Steele's death and last year my mom was terminally ill and I couldn't even see her at Christmas time because I had the flu.

This year also had all the hallmarks of being a lousy Christmas- it was my first without my mom and Belle, my beloved Aussie died a few weeks ago.

But do you know what?

I'm doing okay.

I miss my mom but she was ready to go and her life at the end was hard and painful for her. My brother and  I were able to be there with her in last few hours. I loved Belle and she had a great life with us and died in my arms knowing she was loved.

Ed is being so incredibly careful with me this year- he's become Mr. Christmas and that is not his normal attitude towards this holiday (he doesn't like a lot of fuss). But he knows that I love Christmas. I always have. As I age it's not about the excitement or the presents but about spending time and finding love and laughter with my family. I think I got that from Mom. She loved Christmas too and tried to make it special for my brother and I even though we had very little. But I don't remember having little, I remember playing with my new toy horse and eating the tangerine in the bottom of my stocking. Trust me, it wasn't some Hallmark Movie- we squabbled, were annoyed and all that but that's not what I remember.

In fact I'm doing more than okay.

I came home on Thursday and I don't have to go back to work until Wednesday. Ed had a special surprise for me: he made a dinner of lobster, Caesar salad, bread and shrimp. We ate and had a glass of wine and talked about absolutely nothing special at all. It was the comfortable conversation of two people who have been together for most of their adult life. It was perfect.


I went out to the barn to do the evening chores. I contentedly picked out the stalls, topped up water, refilled hay racks and prepared the night feed. I wasn't hurrying -much to Miss Carmen's annoyance because she was literally starving (dramatic mare is dramatic). d'Arcy was supervising and generally making sure that everything was ship shape.

I slipped out the back barn doors and walked up to the top of my hill, d'Arcy at my side. I stood there looking out at my little farm and breathed in the quiet air and just let myself be still. d'Arcy sat with me, not understanding why I wasn't working but happy enough to keep me company and survey the property.  I realize that being happy is not about the perfect life or family or freedom from grief and pain. It's about absorbing all of that and realizing that the imperfections and loss are because of connections made and love given freely.

Happiness at this point in my life is richer and deeper and has a resonance that wasn't possible 20 years ago.

I breathed in the air of home and it was good.
I usually do a hat photo shoot but this year I was not ready for a photo without Belle
so I am using this card again this year.


Merry Christmas everyone may your year be full of special moments with your family (four and two legged)



26 comments:

  1. Merry Christmas to you and your family and all your four legged friends!

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  2. aWWW YOU ARE SUCH A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING...HONEST, PATIENT, KIND AND FORGIVING!! I TOAST YOU WITH MY NIGHT TODDY TAKEN FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES,,LOL..CHEERS TO YOU AND YOUR WONDERFUL HUSBAND!! MERRY CHRISTMAS THERESA, AND FAMILY!! YOU ARE ALL YOUR OWN BEST FRIENDS AND MENTORS!! LIFE IS AS GOOD AS WE MAKE IT!!

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  3. Merry Christmas! Your hat photo card is great.

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  4. "Happiness is..richer & deeper"
    What a lovely way to put it.
    Really like the double photo vignette header.
    Merry Christmas from the 4Shoes!

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  5. Merry Christmas. And I agree life is not perfect but I am happy too

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  6. Merry Christmas Teresa. Sounds like you have found some much deserved peace. I hope 2017 brings much joy.

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    1. It seems that you have as well-based on you blog. Here's to 2017

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  7. Merry Christmas to you and your family

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  8. That sounds absolutely perfect. Merry Christmas to you too!

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  9. Such beautiful thoughts, thanks for sharing ♡
    I had a hard time gearing myself up for Christmas this year because of a couple family members who are no longer around. I was pining a bit for the joy of Christmases past. But you're right: there was happiness in this day still and it doesn't have to be perfect.

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    Replies
    1. I'm sorry that you are missing people. I hope you had a good Christmas.

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  10. Mine was a bit hard this year too - my dad had a heart attack the week before (but is on the mend now), and his mother is terminally ill and we all knew it was her last with us. I was stressed and worried but now it is all done I can reflect and it was actually a really nice day.

    Much love to you this Christmas.

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  11. I'm glad that you're doing well and had a good Christmas. I think you captured it perfectly when you said what Christmas means to you.

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  12. Ed sounds like a wonderful guy. Big hugs to you (even though I know the holidays are over), its good to be surrounded and supported by the ones you love as you feel low or blue.

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