How do you know if you have it?
I think I've written this post about dozen times. And I keep deleting it.
Today is the 2 year anniversary of Steele's death and it's hitting me hard.
To be honest I think it's the accumulation of losing my horse, my dog and my mom all in 24 months. Today I had to be in meetings all day for work. In some ways it was good but it was a real struggle to leave. Part of me was convinced that one or both of the horses would be dead when I got home.
I knew that thought was crazy.
Except I was sure it was true.
It was a long drive home. And of course the horses were fine. After I fed them I sat in the barn breathing deeply and letting the quiet munching soothe my nerves. I know that my losses pale in comparison to others. I am often quite annoyed with myself that I am still so bothered by everything.
I used to think that resilence = bouncing back. Like memory foam, if I were resilient I would retain the same shape.
Now I'm rethinking that concept. Maybe it's about getting back up and going on with my new, slightly battered shape.
I think that December 14 has become my 'Day of Mourning' for the loved ones that I have lost.
I will be better tomorrow but today I'm giving myself permission to be quiet and remember what was.