After lunging Carmen on Tuesday I rode her Wednesday. I won't go into the details- it was windy, she was spooky, I rode through it and was feeling triumphant.
Today it all came crashing down. I spent my time with the ground work and it went very well. She was obedient, prompt and totally tuned in. I swear. When I got on it all went to hell. She was completely freaked out over the leaves and grass blowing in the wind. I could do nothing. And I really tried.
I was getting to a place where my responses were becoming based on emotion and not any sort of training knowledge. I stopped and dismounted with tears in my eyes. I walked her down to the barn. She tried to scoot by me and I made her back up. In the barn I untacked her turned her out. She stopped and looked at me and then headed out to her field.
I then picked up the phone and called the show secretary scratching from the show. I went into the house and started cleaning like my life depended on it. Ed came home and he was in a rush because I he had a golf game and we needed to go to the garage and pick up our daughter's car. On the drive he asked me how my ride was.
I scratched from the show.
What? Why? What happened?
I don't want to talk about it.
I started to cry and he pulled over.Talk to me.
And it all came spilling out.
How can I take her to a show when I can't get her to listen to me? When the wind is blowing she will NOT focus on me. I've put in fucking hours and hours. I've worked, taken lessons, worked some more and we're still at the same fucking place we were last year. I'm done. I want to show. I want to ride and not worry that I'll be dumped. I want to have some fun AND I WANT STEELE BACK. I'm tired of mourning him and my mother and dealing with shit.
At which point I became a bit incoherent. God love him, he sat there and listened. I took a deep breath. I'm taking the money I would spend on the show and I'm going to spend it on Royce working with her. (Royce was the trainer who helped me back Steele (http://journeywithadancinghorse.blogspot.ca/2014/04/steeles-first-time.html).
And if that doesn't work I'm going to sell her.
Okay he said.
Yes I said that.
I'm sitting her feeling sorry for myself. I'm not afraid of work. And I'm not afraid of risking my neck. But I need to see progress. Otherwise I am just wasting my time. I'm 52 years old and I don't have a lot of riding years ahead. I do not want a horse that I can only ride if the world is perfect.