It took me a long time to find my home. I don't remember a lot about my early childhood but I do remember living with my Grandparents in the country for a while. I loved it. When my mom was able to get a job and an apartment she took us back to live with her in a small apartment on the outer part of the city. I hated it. The noise, asphalt and buildings blocking the sun were an assault on the senses. People yelled if you went on their yard and there was only one park- a 3 acre patch of grass with a small hill that had a grave on it. I used to sneak away a few blocks to a forest that was a few streets over. I spent a lot of time there. Thinking back I realize how dangerous it was a for a 7 year old to be wondering the woods in the city. I was lucky.
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| I know it's weird, but I have loved trees my whole life. |
I have lived in a few places since that apartment and, while I have enjoyed all of them, I have not felt that it was home. But I didn't know that I didn't feel that until I found the place that we live now. I knew it from the first time I looked at it.
Why this little farmhouse? I don't know. It would be like me describing why I love Ed. I just know.
I feel that I know every inch of this property. In all weathers.
Sometimes I am sitting in an all day meeting and I find myself feeling frazzled and drained. When I get into the car to head home I am impatient and anxious. Sometimes I worry that I am getting agoraphobic. But when I turn onto my road I can feel my heart start to ease. I change my clothes and Guinness and I hit the woods.
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| Guinness and his BFF Ripley (my son's dog) |
As I walk my trails, throwing a ball periodically for Guinness I feel the trappings of the day fall away.
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| hearts ease |
This place is my dream but it hasn't stopped me from feeling heartbreak. Far from it. Sometimes it seems harder here. Maybe because I have opened my heart more than I thought possible.
Martin, Belle and d'tracy are gone but it seems like only yesterday that we were all having fun exploring our new home. I do not know where Martin is but Belle and d'Arcy are here.
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I love when the swallows return to the barn. I cried this year when the babies died during the heat wave. We have a grouse that lives in my woods. It makes me jump all the time when I'm walking because it flies off in such a noisy flap. Lately I haven't heard it and I worry that the coyotes have gotten it.
It took me 47 years but I now have a place that owns me as much as I own it. How could I leave? Pieces of my heart are buried here.
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| 4 years today I said goodbye |
