My mother passed away on Wednesday. I was at work trying to get things in order to take time off with her when my brother called and told me that she wasn't expecting to last much longer.
I sent a few quick emails and then headed home. My brother had suggested that I wait until he had a chance to get there and assess the situation but I couldn't stand it. I threw some clothes in a suitcase and headed to the hospital. It's over an hour away and I didn't want to wait.
Mom was afraid of horses but loved that I loved them. When I was graduating from University she asked me what I wanted as a gift. I told her that I wanted to take the adult riding program at a local riding school. Mom thought that that was a bit strange but she paid for the intro program. I never looked back and she seemed pleased that I loved it so much.
Mom enjoyed reading my blog and said that the horses were part of her family too. She loved my stories of our adventures and really liked the funny ones. After ready of our rat adventures she would laugh and say 'poor Ed!!!'
When Steele died she was devastated. She wanted to give me money for a new horse 'when I was ready'. I didn't want to accept it but she insisted. I realized that it meant a lot to her and so I accepted it. She joked that she now had a vested interest in Carmen and that she was expecting big things.
I was glad that my brother and I could be with her. I was dozing in the family room for bit when he woke me and told me she had gone. I am glad that her suffering is over but I haven't come to terms that she is actually gone. I find myself thinking that I'm going to phone or that there's something I need to tell her and then I realize that I can't do that anymore. I honestly thought that we had more time but don't we always? The truth is that we will lose our parents and that is how it should be. I would much prefer for my children to lose me than for me to lose them. I know that's how my mother felt. I also know that in the end she was ready to go. I know all these things. What I feel I'm not sure yet. The loss of someone who has known you your whole life is one that cannot be summed up in a few trite words. There is a gap in my life and yet there is not. What is missing is her person but it also feels like she's just in the next room. I'm sure that this will take a while to work through.
I'm sure that she's being greeted on the other side by my grandparents, her best friend Mae and Steele. She might even go for a ride.
Oh, I am so sorry for your loss <3ReplyDelete
You wrote a beautiful tribute to your mom.
I'm so sorry, Teresa. I share in your pain. My dad has been gone for going on 6 years and there's still times I want to call him. Or send him a text message. My parents used to live 90 miles northeast of me and I hadn't been there since moving my mom in with us 6 months after his passing, but I went on Monday. I couldn't stay long because it made me too sad. I'm glad you were able to be with her when it happened. My dad had gone into Hospice care up where they lived. It was only supposed to be for a few days. He was in a lot of pain in the end so that's the only comfort. That he's not in anymore pain, but I wish I still had him with me. I got my photography passion and talent from him.ReplyDelete
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you got there in time. She sounds like a great mom.ReplyDelete
I am so very sorry to read this. My thoughts are with you <3ReplyDelete
I'm so sorry for your loss. I cried reading this.ReplyDelete
Sounds like she was a great mother and a wonderful person. Sending big hugs to you <3
My mom died 25 years ago and I still find myself thinking of things I must tell her. I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother looks and sounds like a beautiful person.ReplyDelete
You're so right--parents prefer to pass away before their kids--that is a gift to them, but it doesn't ease the loss for those left behind. She sounds like she was a wonderful, wonderful lady who had a real understanding of your love for horses. And, she appears to have had a great love of you--to have delighted in what delighted you. Not all moms are like that. You were very lucky to have had her. <3ReplyDelete
I'm sorry for you loss. Thinking of you.ReplyDelete
Some people (and animals) are so much a part of our lives, that they still feel like they're there when they're gone. I like to think that's because they're so much a part of our lives that they are part of us - they helped form the person we are, so of course they're still with us in that way. It's incomprehensible that they're gone, because they're so much a part of everything we do.ReplyDelete
Thinking of you Teresa, best wishes.
I agree with Linda. You were so fortunate to have a mom who supported you in your passion.ReplyDelete
That was a lovely tribute. Very sorry for your loss Teresa.♡
Please accept my sympathies. My mother also invested in one of my horses with me. I couldn't talk her out of it.ReplyDelete
I am so sorry. You mom will alway be with you in your heart.ReplyDelete
I'm so, so sorry. I can't even imagine what that must be like. I'm glad she's not suffering anymore and that she was able to be a part of Carmen joining the family. Hugs!ReplyDelete