Loss

My mother passed away on Wednesday. I was at work trying to get things in order to take time off with her when my brother called and told me that she wasn't expecting to last much longer.
I sent a few quick emails and then headed home. My brother had suggested that I wait until he had a chance to get there and assess the situation but I couldn't stand it. I threw some clothes in a suitcase and headed to the hospital. It's over an hour away and I didn't want to wait.

Mom was afraid of horses but loved that I loved them. When I was graduating from University she asked me what I wanted as a gift. I told her that I wanted to take the adult riding program at a local riding school. Mom thought that that was a bit strange but she paid for the intro program. I never looked back and she seemed pleased that I loved it so much.

Mom enjoyed reading my blog and said that the horses were part of her family too. She loved my stories of our adventures and really liked the funny ones. After ready of our rat adventures she would laugh and say 'poor Ed!!!' 

 When Steele died she was devastated. She wanted to give me money for a new horse 'when I was ready'. I didn't want to accept it but she insisted. I realized that it meant a lot to her and so I accepted it. She joked that she now had a vested interest in Carmen and that she was expecting big things.

I was glad that my brother and I could be with her. I was dozing in the family room for bit when he woke me and told me she had gone. I am glad that her suffering is over but I haven't come to terms that she is actually gone. I find myself thinking that I'm going to phone or that there's something I need to tell her and then I realize that I can't do that anymore. I honestly thought that we had more time but don't we always? The truth is that we will lose our parents and that is how it should be. I would much prefer for my children to lose me than for me to lose them. I know that's how my mother felt. I also know that in the end she was ready to go. I know all these things. What I feel I'm not sure yet. The loss of someone who has known you your whole life is one that cannot be summed up in a few trite words. There is a gap in my life and yet there is not. What is missing is her person but it also feels like she's just in the next room. I'm sure that this will take a while to work through.

I'm sure that she's being greeted on the other side by my grandparents, her best friend Mae and Steele. She might even go for a ride.