Checking Progress

Between family dinners, weather, work and now not feeling well, I haven't ridden since Sunday. I am trying to deal with the guilt of not riding.

 Does anyone else struggle with that inner voice that says things like you're not riding your horse and so she's going to go backwards and you suck as a trainer.? It's insane but at some point it became engrained in me that if I wasn't working my horse regularly I wasn't serious.  And for me, 'regular' means 5-6 days a week.  Now my rational brain realizes that a few days of not riding will be fine. There actually is not a link in how well Carmen is in the ring and the last time I rode her. Of course that would matter if it was a long time.

Anyway, I spent today cleaning out my photo bank. Which got me looking at photos of me riding Carmen since she arrived. I think I see progress:

April 2015 (she arrived March 2015)

Sept 2015

May 2016 (Johanna Clinic)

July 2016 (Centred Riding Clinic)

October 2016 (Johanna clinic)

When I look at this I see softer rider (although with tons still to work on) and less tense and happier horse.  I could be delusional but I'm happy with where we're going. I also have some blatant fail photos but decided that no one needed to see those. 

Gratitude

This weekend is the Canadian Thanksgiving.  We had our big family dinner today. It was wonderful, because for the first time in a long time both kids could come. Ed's sister and mother came as well as a friend. I did a lot prep yesterday (dessert and rolls were baked) so today was pretty easy. I Not only did we have the traditional turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, sweet potato casserole and cranberry sauce but Ed's mother brought her traditional Lebanese food include Tabouleh, kibbeh, hummus and her home made pita bread.  loved the flow of chatter and laughter floating through the house as we ate. And ate.

I set the table with my mother's silver so that she was part of the meal as well. I realized that gratitude is a choice. I could be sad and upset that my mother is not here or I could be grateful that I had a mother who loved me. I continue to miss Steele and I'm grateful that I have Carmen. Irish has many health problems but he's still here and happy. I have two happy children and Ed and I still love each other. I am grateful for my friends and that I live in this beautiful country.

And yes, I have had some wine but not that much. I choose to live my life dealing with the negative and looking for the positive.

What are you grateful for?

Horse Play

Yesterday was a busy, pony filled day. My friend Karen brought her stallion for the day. She's entering a fun show (it's a fund raiser for a para-equestrian rider) and there's a freestyle costume class. She had her music and costume all picked out but needed to work out the bugs in a full size ring. The plan was that we would work on that and also Cynthia and I would have a lesson.

The morning was a perfect fall morning- the trees are putting on a good show this year.

I love where I live (at least when it's like this and not buried in snow)

I spent the morning cleaning up around the barn, like you do when company is coming (the house remained dusty because I have my priorities). I took some soup out of the freezer to thaw (curried butternut squash) for lunch and prepared some cheese biscuits.

Karen arrived with her trailer and Kalimo just looked around like 'oh here again?'.

Irish and Carmen realizing that this day is gong to be a bit different

Irish, as always was a bit excited. Carmen joined in but I had closed their stall doors so that they couldn't get in the barn and create a ruckus. Once she realized that there was nothing to see she gave a shrug and headed back out to the field to eat. Irish was all 'where's my friend, I can't see my friend, LET ME IN'. 

Shortly after we had Kalimo in his stall I brought in Carmen to get her ready. I had her ground tied and she wanted to go see him but was actually pretty good about the correction. I could have cross-tied her but I wanted her to learn that she's to stand even with temptation (admittedly a hunky, handsome man is quite the temptation). 

I reviewed with Karen what we were working on and things I had noticed: 

•  I tighten my left hip when I put on my right leg and I was working on keeping them separate
• that when she tightens I try to loosen up and make sure I connect my seat to her
• bending. especially to the right. 
• generally working through any spookiness and keeping on task. 

So we went to work on a circle around her. As typical in a lesson at my place we were both a bit tight and Carmen was being stiff. It was breezy and I was trying too hard. So first we calmed me down and then worked on calming her down.  We worked all over the ring and areas where Carmen was worried about she still had to work. She had definite opinions about that  (mostly 'no') but I was to stay on task. Karen observed that she wasn't super tight about it all and some of it was just a game. There were a few big spooks but we just went back to work. When she was distracted I was to not let her swing her head to look for something to be scared of and it was okay for it to not be pretty. I needed to hear that. The trick was to let go after I brought her head in. We did a lot of sitting trot and walk-trot transitions, some leg yields and then we were warmed up. 

We practiced some shoulder-in at the trot and that was.just.too.hard at first but we made it. I'm still not asking for enough bend so I need to figure that out. Karen asked me how she was with haunches in and I said enthusiastically 'oh she rocks that. Because it's also her evasion she's really good at it'.  Except for today of course. Today was impossible. We practiced shoulder-in-straighten-haunches in. It was okay on one side of the ring (barn side) but the other side was frying her brain quite a bit. I was just about to suggest to Karen that we come to the middle and do a bit of canter when she said "come on to the center and we'll do some canter work'. 

So we did. At first Carmen was all tight and bound up but I pushed her on and encouraged her to stretch out and she started to blow out her tension. We then cantered around the ring a few times and then practiced canter-trot-canter transitions without falling on the forehand. By now she's feeling tired (finally) and so am I. But that's okay- I wanted to keep going. Once we had a few good transitions we stopped and I walked her out. I was so excited to have a lesson that was on dressage stuff and not about my ring. It was good for Carmen and it was good for me. I have no idea how long we rode but it was well over an hour.  

I ran into the house and began to cook the biscuits and warm up the soup. Nothing like a warm cheese biscuit from the oven after you've worked your butt off. 

We then played with Kalimo and worked out the freestyle. I was following Karen around the ring holding up her phone so she could hear her music. Kalimo took the crazy lady in the middle all in stride. Once we thought that we had it worked out Karen rode it from beginning to end and I took the video so she could play it at home. I also got to see her ride two tempis for the first time! And it's on video! 

Then Cynthia got Irish ready. Their lesson was wonderful and I loved watching Irish use himself correctly. He had a lot of fun too. However, when they first went up to the ring Carmen pitched a fit. I grabbed my camera because it wasn't too often that she puts on a display. When I came into the field she ran right at me 'OHMYGODSHE'SSTEALINGIRISHANDI'MGONNADIE'. I got quite a few photos- Princess can move when she wants to. However, she calmed down pretty quickly and spent the rest of the time eating. The pony has her priorities. 

lots of power in that hind end

After Cynthia's ride Karen loaded Kalimo on her trailer and left. Neither Irish or Carmen lifted their heads. I like that they are getting used to horses coming and going. Cynthia and I met up with our husbands for dinner and it was all I could do to not fall asleep in my plate. 

Horse days are so much fun. 

Autumn Light

[T]hat old September feeling, left over from school days, of summer passing, vacation nearly done, obligations gathering, books and football in the air ... Another fall, another turned page: there was something of jubilee in that annual autumnal beginning, as if last year's mistakes had been wiped clean by summer.” 
― Wallace Stegner, Angle of Repose

I love Autumn- the light, colour and smells are heavenly. If you have never been to eastern Canada I always recommend September-October. It's our most beautiful time.  It's also a great time for riding- the weather is cooler and the bugs are gone. We've had another gift lately as well- the wind that was pretty relentless all summer has quieted down. This week we've had a return to warm days but the nights are still cool.

I have been having some pretty great rides on Carmen these days. Now that I'm not contending with constant tension and spooking we're able to focus on building our understanding. I'm becoming far more aware of my own body and how it's contributing to our melt-downs. Now, as soon as she tenses instead of thinking 'oh oh I better be ready' I think 'oh I better let go' and I breathe deep and relax my legs and seat to be with her.

It really does work like magic. As soon as I do that I get an ear back, listening. 'do  you see that? what should we do?'  she seems to be asking. And it's not like she doesn't still spook. Yesterday she gave a big one and leapt sideways (most likely culprit is a butterfly) but she stopped as soon as I said 'whoa' . I took a deep breath and then went back to what we were working on. I let it go so she let it go.  She will sometimes keep the tension while we walk by stuff but I don't grab on the rein and  she doesn't run away. I will reach down though and grab a handful of mane or the strap I have across my saddle.

Royce had told me that I was contributing to it and I felt frustrated because I didn't really understand how or what I was doing. Now I do and it's opened up a whole new way to ride. I am finding tension in my body I never knew I had and I'm working on letting it go. Carmen is pretty good at letting me know when I'm tensing too.

The 'scary' side of the ring is flipping around- one day it's at C, then V then A.  That's okay. While I don't ignore it I don't try to confront it either (most o the time). I try to slowly work our way to spots that are scary and she relaxes. If I can't get her mind off a spot and she's so fixated that we can't work on anything I will get her to confront it (usually by backing her into it). Essentially I try to listen to her and figure out what she needs.

She's so much better with Irish in the ring. That used to irk me (why can't she just do the dressage thing?) but now I use it to my advantage. I know that I get to more places quickly and so can work on all sorts of dressage type stuff.

Cynthia came out today and Carmen was so mellow. We spent time at the walk bending, turning, leg yielding. I love that I can work her at a walk without her freaking out now (even if Irish isn't there). When I first asked her to trot she was a bit slow but I didn't get after her strongly, instead I kept asking her to move forward and soon she was trotting like a real horse. Not that I won't tap her with the crop, I will but I have to be sure that I'm not causing it by holding the rein or squeezing.

Bending to the left is easy for her- bending to the right not so much. I need to figure out how to help her with this without pulling on the rein. Some of this I caused because of my tight left hip and stronger left leg but I'm working through it. I got some of the best forward canter from her today. Cynthia even called out 'oooh nice!'  She cantered forward to the 'scary corner' and around. That was our left lead. To the right we struggled a bit more but finally hit our stride.  Once I had a nice right lead canter going I brought her back to trot, then turned up the centre line to halt at X. It was not a square halt but I was okay with it- it was prompt and soft. She just moved after. That's okay- we don't halt at X a lot.

After I dropped the gate and we went out to hack around the field and in front of the house. That was the first time we went that way and she wasn't so sure. I kept myself soft and just held a bit of rein and, you know what happened? Nothing. Just a wee scoot and we were back together. We went back around the other way around the field. Irish wanted to go into the woods so we followed along and meandered amongst the trees. She was not so sure but she was listening and it was all okay.

blurry iPhone photo but proof that we did it 

I really want to take Carmen out on the trail with some calm and seasoned companions. It will do us a world of good. I put a call out on FB to see if anyone wanted to babysit us.  I also need to make some trails and clean up my woods. Now that the bugs are gone working in the woods will be much easier.

It's funny- I am not working as hard as I was when riding but when I dismount my muscles feel tired and stretched. It's much harder to ride without tension I find.

Meditative Dressage

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” 
― Thich Nhat Hanh, Stepping into Freedom: Rules of Monastic Practice for Novices

Carmen has been slowly feeling better with her medication. I've been riding since the clinic- going slow and letting how she feels guide me in how far to push.

And, you guys, the rides have been so good.

I had no idea what was getting unlocked in me on the clinic weekend but it is paying off in spades.

What is this miraculous transformation that has turned Carmen into a magical unicorn you ask?

It's me.

What finally made it home to me from the weekend clinic was that I MUST provide a relaxed anchor for her to grab onto when her brain is whizzing in a thousand directions at once. I do that by my breathing and making myself consciously relax. Obviously this is not a new thing- but it seems to have finally sunk into my body. Before, even when I was trying to help her relax I was tense and tight. Not so much from worry (although sometimes) but because when I'm really concentrating I stop breathing and tighten up. Which is fine when I'm studying for a test or writing my GREs but not so helpful when working with a sensitive, reactive princess.

Carmen has definitely noticed. When she gets excited and tight I breathe deep and drop my legs. I spend a lot of time sighing- making sure that my breathing is coming and going slowly. I use my seat to help guide her pace. I love how that is working.

What Camren is doing now is flicking her ears back and seeing what I'm asking. I am not trying to break through the white noise of her brain, she's seeking out my input.

It's not that she doesn't spook at all- she has. A grand total of twice in the past 10 days. Both times I was able to stay calm and relaxed so she could relax with me. We're not fighting- there are discussions of course.

I've also figured out that when I put on my right leg I tend to clamp my left as well. That's what was pissing her off. I've been figuring that out and also getting her to cut me a bit of slack. The first time post clinic that I asked her to trot right she would throw in her haunches but as soon as i went left that stopped. I spent some time asking for a bit a right but switching direction before she had a chance to really pitch a fit. That worked and she seemed to forget about it. But going by the gate she began to throw her haunches around- I reached back and gave her a tap with the crop and the discussion ended right there.

Tonight she was very mellow to start. We were working away - she would get tight- I would breathe and we carried on. I'm becoming very aware of my own tension and trying to relax. It's occupying my brain so I can't worry about what might be worrying her. We finished with a walk around the field- I hand walked her. I'm hoping that i will safe enough to ride her but I figure the hand walking will help.  I have ridden her out of the ring and down around the barn. It was cool to be practicing 10 metre circles around a tree and having her blow out and relax as we did it.

We're starting to feel like dance partners and that is so cool.

Irish and I Plot to Steal a Pony

Remember a little while ago I went to visit a friend and ride Carmen in her ring? Well this weekend she brought her Welsh Cob pony to my place.

I love Welsh Cobs and I really hope that I can have one some day. In the meantime I'm enjoying blogs of the fun others have with welsh cobs (such as T and Cob Jockey). M drives Maggie and she wanted her to experience new places.

what is not to love? 

They had arrived before I got home and I drove in to see Maggie being ground driven around my yard and my two darlings quite excited by the whole thing. There was a lot of prancing. Irish is hilarious- except for here, he's always lived with a bunch of other horses. But whenever he sees a new one he loses his mind.

Carmen danced around for a bit and then decided that it was all very boring and went back to grazing.

Irish couldn't take his eyes off of Maggie:

He just had to show off his fancy moves:

is she looking? I think she's looking? I better show off my fancy trot.
And LOOK- we have the same colour bell boots- it must be fate. 

When the cart was hooked up he almost fainted. 

OMG, she's so talented

Me, I was much cooler. I was just trying to figure out how steal her. I mean how much fun would this be?

I don't think that Carmen shared our enthusiasm:

Irish: Isn't she pretty?

Carmen- she's kinda short

Irish: Short and perfect. And look at what she can do.

Carmen- meh, it's not that impressive. Look, she can't even see with those things on her bridle. 

Irish: maybe she's going to live here! 

Carmen: No. Just no. 

Irish: it would be so much fun. We could all play together. 

Carmen: There's not enough room...

Irish: we have that extra stall and...

Carmen: no, there can only be one grey mare on a farm. 

Irish: Really? 

Carmen: Yes. It's a rule: grey mares (big ones, not little teeny ones) are so perfect that only one can be on a farm. 

Irish: but she's so cute. Look mom is smitten too. 

Carmen: I see that. I shall explain to her later how she's wrong. I require all of her attention. 

Irish: but....

Carmen: NO. 

Poor Irish and I. Her owners loaded her back into the trailer and took her home while they could still get away we watched with a tear in our eye. 

Clinic Takeaways

I wanted to sum up the key things that I learned from the weekend so that I don't forget.

1. Carmen is easy to trailer. She gets on easily (the off I'm hoping was an aberration as it was the first time). When I'm towing she's quiet and easy. when we stop she's not sweaty or stressed.

2. I am getting more confident and relaxed with the trailering. I lost my nerve after losing Steele. It didn't make sense to me at first (after all it wasn't a trailer accident) but I realized it was more about vulnerability and my feeling of not being able to control everything. However, as I do it more I'm getting my mojo back.

3. (and keeping with trailer theme) I need to remember the basic safety rules and wear gloves when loading and unloading.

But I did actually take away some riding tips too:

4. despite appearances, travelling alone, being without Irish and have her schedule disrupted does impact on Carmen. I need to treat her for ulcers before we go away- I'm not sure but I'm thinking at least a week.

5. Breathing is key for keeping Carmen relaxed in the saddle. I tend to hold my breath when I'm thinking and that makes for tense muscles. I've been practicing breathing deeply at work, in the car etc. Lately I'm very well oxygenated.

gratuitous vacation pic illustrating fresh air 

6. I need to be aware of tension in my body. Here's what happens- Carmen sees something and tenses. I tense in reaction getting ready to ride out whatever is going to happen. And so the spiral begins.  Now frankly it's freaking hard to NOT tense when you think you might be at risk. Breathing (see above) helps. I've been practicing this in our ring and, OMG, it actually works. But it takes concentration to ensure that my seat, legs, hands, shoulders etc are not tensing.

7. Outdoor rings are not Carmen's favourite thing. I've now had her in 3 different outdoor rings and she's been spooky and looky in all of them. Strange as it sounds, it makes me feel better. This means that it's not just MY ring (i.e., I haven't ruined my horse). I can work on the rest. 

8. I need to ask by tapping my legs, not by squeezing. As she gets more tuned in to me she's more sensitive and i need to do less. sigh. This riding stuff is hard. 

And lastly, somewhere along the line this summer Carmen has decided that I am her human. When I was in the stall with her at the clinic Karen commented I love how connected you two have become. 

I stopped and reflected and realized that was true. And that was probably the best takeaway of all.