Being Cut by Occam's Razor

A few weeks ago I was contemplating calling the vet to do an evaluation on Carmen. Our rides were deteriorating and bolting/ resisting was becoming more frequent. I couldn't figure out why. 

Then I headed to the Obstacle clinic and she was absolutely perfect. For example, on sunday we were standing beside another horse when a loud and strange noise happened outside the arena. The horse beside her began to freak out, she looked at him, blinked and then went back to standing with one leg cocked. 

Two days before she lost her shit over a sparrow outside the ring. I was sure it was something physical and I had numerous theories:

•  ulcers, even though treating for these wasn't working
• sore stifles- even though she wasn't lame and was able to spin on a dime
• tumour on her ovaries

But her behaviour that weekend put all these theories out of my head. 

Clearly the issue was me. 

I was so worried that she was hurting that I was too tentative in my asks and backed down when she protested. From this she learned to use her behaviour to get out of work. For the past two weeks I've been making sure that I'm very clear on what I'm asking and reward when she's trying. When she engages in her  negative behaviour I increase the pressure and don't back down until she softens. 

That lead to ride we had, frankly, a brawl. It was not pretty. 

But since that time we've been steadily improving. 

Nice and soft here, no sign of the brawling Carmen

Our rides consist of me being super clear and honest and having expectations that she will respond. In stead of worrying about her  tension I use it as a 'tell' and ask her to do something (usually bend). If she spooks we work hard in that area and, when she softens we move on. 

When things are good we stop and have a break. But even the break has a rule- we stay in the same spot until I pick up the reins and ask her to move. If she moves on her own I put her back, however many times it takes to get her to stand. 

You can't tell here but we're standing on a long rein. Last week she could no more stand here than I could stand on my head. Of course the heat wave has helped her to enjoy the shade. 

Shanea is very supportive of this and doesn't object when I stop and drop the rein as a reward. She's seeing how well Carmen is responding to this. 

We can now work on actual dressage things. Like trot to square halt transition.

and half-pass

The change in bit is helping too. She's more responsive and less likely to lean. 

She's becoming more focussed on what is happening inside the ring and less worried about outside. 

It's not perfect but it's much better. 

I should probably bummed that I was so wrong and made this so complicated. But I'm not. In fact I'm relieved. I've learned some important things about myself and Carmen. I've changed my mind set of Carmen being a 'spooky' horse to one of her being a sensitive and somewhat dominant mare. I've learned that I can actually sit her antics and make her work through them. I definitely couldn't do that before. 

Unless I'm completely wrong again. But what are the odds of that? 

Carmen: don't worry, I'll let you know when you're wrong. 

Me: Thanks. I think......

Summer Lovin': Lesson Recap

I had a lesson booked for early Saturday morning. Shanea came for dinner Friday night and and stayed over so we could have an early start.  It was nice to have time to chat and catch up. I brought her up to speed on the clinic and what we'd been working on. She was in agreement that I needed to be more clear and that Carmen's issues were behavioural and not physical.

Saturday dawned with blue skies and warm sun with the promise of heat later in the day. I was happy to be riding early. Truth be told, morning rides are my favourite anyway.

Carmen was pretty chill in the barn getting ready. This has been the case since we were away- she's quiet and not being at all pushy. I went through my groundwork checklist and then did some lunging. The task is simple- she's to stay in the gait I set for her and I leave her alone unless she breaks. Carmen has caught on to this pretty quickly. This time, at the canter she started to break and then was 'oh right, keep going' and then self-corrected. That made me happy.

I mounted and, you guys, she was so soft and easy.

screen shot from video

Shanea even commented that she'd never seen her start so soft before. I have to say that Carmen seems to be really liking this new bit. I find I can be a lot more refined in my cues. Also, interestingly, she's not opening her mouth or gaping. Look at how soft and happy she is here.

The lesson itself was nothing earth shattering but it was soooo nice to be working with a forward, happy horse rather than a bolting, spooking mess. Not that she wasn't tense at times- she was, but everything was so much easier.

remember when Carmen couldn't go in this corner without bolting or rearing?
yeah, me neither. Carmen has no idea what I'm talking about....

We made sure to give her breaks and rewards for when she was really good and kept working when she was resistant. She's definitely figuring that out. 

Shanea focussed on me keeping her underneath of me and stepping from behind. She definitely

felt less heavy. And she wasn't leaning on my hands and trying to steamroll around the ring. 

so could I stop leaning forward? but at least my hands are soft....

We did lots of trotting and walking. I didn't hear a lot of Shanea telling me to let go of the inside rein, so that's good. I also found that I was able to not be so heavy in the stirrups. 

yup, this corner is good too

It is amazing how much better you can ride when you are not worrying about being lawn darted into the ground.  

I just love this photo, everything looks so soft and happy. 

We worked on some leg yields with me keeping her on the outside rein. It was fun, even though it was starting to get hot. 

We finished up with some canter work. Carmen was starting to tire and began to demonstrate it by being a bit spooky at B. I know that this means she wants a break but I can't give her one for this behaviour. So we worked through it and then gave her a break. 

I was so happy with this lesson. It was awesome to be able to go to work and learn things without arguments. I know Shanea was happy and I'm pretty sure that Carmen is too. 

I know I have to continue being diligent but it feels wonderful to be on this path. 

reaching under with her hind leg and I'm actually sitting up. 

Intention, Expectation and the Road to Hell

It's been really warm the past few days with high humidity.

how to tell if it's humid out......

Carmen and I took Monday off. I used that day to catch up on a ton of chores: emptying the manure cart, cleaning tack, playing with Guinness (clearly the most important thing).

so much joy cannot be contained

I also spent time thinking about the clinic and my conversations with Nikki and Mike. My main take aways were that I needed to be really clear in what I was asking Carmen to do. I couldn't be distracted by other things. Which is easy when you are going over a narrow bridge. When I'm riding in the ring it's easy for my thoughts to wander. 

I also need to have expectations that Carmen listen to my aids and follow through. I'm pretty sure that I have been accepting of sloppy answers, which would make everything negotiable. 

also gardening- my hollyhocks have started blooming

Tuesday I wanted to ride early to beat the heat. It was still hot but not as much as it was going to be later.  I wanted to use some of the advice I had from the weekend. AS always, I started with groundwork and she was so soft and quiet in every spot of the ring. I mounted and she was fine again. We walked around and I made sure that I was being clear with my aids and to have a strong vision in my mind about what I wanted to do (walk the quarter line, bend through a 10 m circle etc). 

At the walk all was good. She had one spook in an area and I followed the advice to make that spot a work spot and when she began to try/listen reward and move on. Carmen was clearly a bit unsure about this but it went fine. Then I asked for a slow trot and the wheels began to come off. I won't bore you with the blow by blow but she began to ask me all sort of questions about my intent and whether it was reasonable. 

I stayed on task and she began to escalate. I found myself in a full on bolt. She was not scared, nor was she running from anything. I think she was doing what normally works to get me to back off except this time I didn't. It was actually a bit frightening- I had zero control and she was just leaning on the bit and going.  Since getting off was not an option I sat up and put my leg on steering her in a circle. I don't know how many circles we did (5? 10? 732?) but finally I pulled her up. I almost hopped off but didn't. 

I took a deep breath and went back to work.  It was, frankly, a bit of a shit show but I gritted my teeth and was clear that this was what I wanted and that was not the correct answer. The tricky part was to reward when did soften. And over the ride she began to soften again. When Ed asked me how my ride was I said 'great in the beginning, sucky in the middle and great at the end'. Which was accurate. 

That night I changed out the bit to one that is a bit thinner although still a broken snaffle with a peanut in the middle. I just need something with a bit more leverage because clearly she has no respect for the Stubben golden wing.  

Today I headed out early again. There was a plane circling around us for the whole ride (they were looking for an escaped fugitive but that's a different story. 2020 I am so fucking over you).  I started with groundwork, except this time instead of focussing on getting her relaxed I focussed on her working. I wondered if the groundwork was not translating to under saddle because the GW was all about relaxation and the riding was about work. So I asked her to work. Nothing major- just if I put you on a trot or canter on the lunge keep going until I say stop. 

tuesday's entertainment

This time mounted I felt much more focussed and aware of what I was doing. I made it crystal clear when it was what I wanted and when it wasn't. Listening led to a break (standing with a long rein). If she moved when I asked her to whoa I simply put her back. And then back. And back again until she would stand. 

Here's the interesting part- she spooked at nothing. I was paying particular attention to her signals that a spook might be coming and reacted immediately. I'm sure you wondering how I reacted? It depended- it usually starts with a stiffening so I asked her to bend and would not give up until she did. As soon as she bent a teeny bit I released. Timing of the release is so critical.  I visualized the straight line I wanted and made sure I got it. 

It was a completely different ride. I also noticed that she responded well to the new bit too. If I asked for a downward transition she was much more respectful of it. I was standing at G after doing a walk half-pass giving her a break on a long rein. We heard some children shouting next door and she tensed and lifted her head. I simply picked up the rein lightly and she immediately dropped her head and softened. With that I hopped off and gave her a pat. 

Clearly I have been too wishy-washy. Which I forgive myself for because I was worried that there was a physical issue. But now that I know that there is not I need to work on myself. 

I didn't take a photo during the ride but she could
have cared less bout the plane circling overhead- even
when it came quite low over top of us 

Clinic Report or Things That Make Me Go HMMMM

Last weekend I loaded up my trailer and Carmen and I headed off to a Trail Clinic with Mike and Nikki Porter. I've done one of these every year and LOVED them. Each time I go I leave with some new insights and confidence.

This time was going to be special because my two amazing friends, Paula and Karen, were also coming. I was looking forward to getting some insight into Carmen and what was going on. I was also worried that her behaviour would be off the charts. But I figured that it would be a great time to get their help.

The format of this clinic is pretty straightforward. We all meet early Saturday morning and talk about our horses and our goals. Then we are broken into the two groups. In the morning we all do groundwork. In the afternoon we practice the obstacles in hand and ride if we're ready. Sunday is a mix of in-hand and riding over the obstacles. Everyone gets attention from either Mike or Nikki. I have to say that it's totally worth the money. Not that it's expensive- it's not. Lunch is also provided.

Friday night I wanted to ride. I was a bit worried because the ring can be quite spooky. The far end is covered with a tarp and there is plastic covering windows that also have holes in them. Karen helped me and Carmen to stay on task but I was really tense which was not helping. I have to say that my self-confidence was at a low ebb.

Saturday morning and Carmen was feeling pretty

In the morning 'chat' I shared that I had been having some challenges with Carmen's behaviour and I was looking for insight. We then started our work in hand. I made sure to be at the far 'spooky' end. My groundwork skills are basically solid. Nikki gave me some good pointers to clean things up, which I really appreciated. We were asked to do this one exercise that I absolutely loved: 

Mike drew a rectangle about 8-10 feet away from each of us. The goal was to move the horse to that rectangle and have them stand there. Easy enough when you can lead the horse there. But we weren't allowed to change our position. It really made you focus on what you were asking and adjust the cues. It took a few minutes but then TA-DAH!

look at her- like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth
 (also you can see what  I mean about the far end being a spooky place) 

Carmen was soft and easy. Not completely but, really she was a doll. 

And that was how she was all weekend. Not a hoof out of place. No big explosions, no bolting, no balking. 

See: 

Standing in the water box:
Carmen: my toes are getting wet and this water is dirty
Me: just stand here, K?
Carmen: okay.
Mike: are you sure that this is the mare you described? 

celebrating a good day's work on Saturday. 

Sunday she was even better than Saturday. Perhaps I was too- definitely my confidence was up. 

Here's a video of us riding part of the pattern. 

Clearly her issues are not physical- if they were then it would also be present at the clinic. I spent some time over the weekend trying to explain what I was dealing with at home. They listened to me carefully. What they hypothesized is that Carmen is using this behaviour to escape work. And that I should make her work harder where she acts up. 

I also think that perhaps my intention is not always clear. 

Armed with this knowledge I feel that I can move forward. It's always a worry when you think you are making horse work when they are in pain. Now that that is off the list I can move ahead. I'm also on 2 weeks vacation so I can take as much time as it takes to work through our stuff. 

So, yay. 

I think. 

Summer Blues

I know that it's been a long time since I posted. To be honest, like many of you, I am in a bit of a funk. Partly it's simply 2020. The other part has been that there has been a regression in Carmen's behaviour. I wasn't feeling up to writing about it because you will all think I suck. But what's the point of a blog if I can't be honest? So here goes.

She's been quite difficult to ride and we've had a few 'come to jesus' moments.

It's not been fun.

As always, with horses it's a struggle to figure out if something is physical or behavioural. I began her on ulcer meds but it really didn't seem to make a difference.

I won't bore you with details of all my rides. Roughly they consist of good moments with bits that are total shit shows: retracted neck, tight body often followed by a spin and bolt.  Or balking with threats to run backwards or go up. Note: Carmen has never reared on me. She has felt light in front and I've reached forward and bopped her on her poll which put the end to that.

After a particularly frustrating ride I was pretty bummed. I did some deep thinking and I realized that I was giving Carmen power over my emotions. I wouldn't let anyone else dictate my feelings in that way. I knew that I couldn't let that continue or else we would continue in our downward spiral. Also, there has also been lots of good things in our training and I can't just focus on the negative (which is totally against my goals).

I took a step back and began to spend some time grooming her. She responded well to that so there may be a bit of pressure related. It is possible that I was focussing too much on work and not enough on relationship stuff.

the weather is getting warm so I braid her mane to help keep her cool

Shanea wanted me to try lunging her in side reins. I had been resistant because it's easy to teach a horse to lean. But what she wanted to do was to get Carmen to learn to reach for the bit without a person on her back. I tried it during a lesson so that Shanea could help me. What we realized was that as soon as the side reins went on Carmen became tight and defensive. Which makes me wonder if she had them in the past. However, we kept them quite long and with some work she began to reach for the bit.

in side reins- see the umbrella? Shanea brought it for sun shade
and it caused a kerfuffle. So we did some work with it. 

within 5 minutes she went from bolting to being bored with the whole thing.
That is one thing I know how to do with her. 

The lesson was useful because Shanea was able to see the groundwork I do and how calm Carmen is before I get on. At a spot that was perfectly fine on the ground she flatly refused to go by. I had to get quite harsh with her - pressure on until I felt her think forward and then take it off.

I tried it again today and she started the same. This time I loosened the side reins even more and she began to stretch and reach for the bit. It got me wondering if Carmen really has a good understanding of contact. Which is stupid to be wondering at this point in her training I realize but hey, better late than never.

My ride today was also really good. She had one bobble at the same spot as yesterday but i gave her a squeeze and a tap and she went forward and that was the end of it. The ride was really good and every time she retracted her neck I kept the reins out there and put my leg on (or gave her a kick) to send her to the bit. My defence mechanisms tend to kick in when she gets tight because I'm anticipating a bolt and want to stop it. One day I might be over that tendency.

it was so hot yesterday. But I love this movement- she's so light in front (in a good way)

I still don't know if we're getting through this bobble or it's just a temporary truce. But I feel better about things. To quote John Legend:

"What's going on in that beautiful mind?

I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me
But I'll be alright

My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy, and I'm out of my mind

How's your summer going?

Object Permanence

My rides recently have been a bit, well, mercurial.

I've had rides where she's been sweet and calm and rides where you would think her tail was on fire.

Now it's not unusual for Carmen to get a bit anxious when all the grass and leaves are in and start blowing in the breeze.

I also know that her nature is to be reactive and sensitive. I have zero expectations that one day she'll be completely zen and relaxed. To me, that is as unrealistic as expecting an person with anxiety to 'just get over it'.

from my lesson last friday- starting off tight but trying

That said, I also do not put up with her being a completely irrational during our rides. The trick, of course is to find a balance. I try to figure out where she's at and meet her there so we can work through it.

That works the majority of the time.

better

My riding has improved quite a bit- I say that without arrogance or pride, it's just a fact. So the things that would unseat me or frighten me don't so much now. Shanea tells me to keep my legs on and not back off- that's when she gets me. Carmen has a powerful neck and shoulders and she knows how to use them. It used to be impossible for me to stop her but not so much. Not that she doesn't get away but it's much shorter lived. 

This week I had a ride that was lovely and then a ride where she was a complete and utter cow. And I don't say that lightly. She was fixated on the far bushes and everything I asked was just too much. She was hanging on the bit and using that for leverage to cart me all around. I had to get quite harsh at times to get her to stop (like I'm glad there's no media harsh). 

not hanging on the bit

Before you start thinking that I was picking on a scared horse, let me stop you. Carmen has three spooks: 

#1. genuine startle and frightening. When this happens so looks to me ' OMG, what do we do?' And when I say 'just this' she settles and listening. 

#2. I'm tired and want to stop working. This happens because in the past her behaviour made me back off. It doesn't now and this rarely pops up and, when it does, we work through it pretty quickly. 

#3. Anticipatory: it's like she comes out looking to worry and then, when something happens (like a goldfinch flying by) she will give a big spook and then bolt. In this mood she can become 100% fixated on an area and becomes quite unrideable. 

#3 was what I was dealing with in that ride. I wasn't even trying to get her to go near the area of worry. I was simply riding her in a circle but she was so fixated and I had zero attention. When she couldn't spin and bolt she would hang on the bit. 

From our last lesson, working on half-halts

I picked up a canter on a 20 metre circle and every time she became strong and tried to cart me off I would turn her in a 10 metre circle. After numerous circles (omg, so dizzy) she finally breathed and softened and we could ride. 

I halted her and she waited for me to dismount. When I didn't right away she began to paw. I took my dressage whip and every time she pawed I snapped her on the leg. She stopped and then began to try to pull the reins from my hands. I bridged the reins and still sat. Finally she sighed and cocked a foot. I sat a little longer and then hopped off. 

In the barn I had her ground tied while I got the hose ready. I saw her looking out the open door. 

Go ahead I said, if you leave I'm not chasing you. You are welcome to go find someone else who will look after you better than me. 

She breathed and then said fine, I guess I'll stay. 

What I realized was that our issue was one of attention. Carmen was attending to me when she chose. When she was interested in something else I was far down the list of things to attend to. It was like I wasn't even there anymore. 

The next day I took her up to the ring to do a groundwork session. The goal was simple- to have her attend to me and, when distracted to respond to my request to me. I used her ears as my cue. If the nearest ear flicked to me when I asked I would stop my demands. If she didn't respond I upped my ask. As Tristan would say 'ask a question that deserves an answer'. 

It was pretty simple, I had her on a circle. when she fixated on something I gently lifted the whip towards her. If her ear flicked, it went back down. If it didn't I immediately stepped towards her, disengaged her hind end and then sent her back. 

It was hard work. I had to be really consistent and very very clear. I played with increasing the pressure but that seemed too gray. So I had it very simple- ask soft, ask strong, get response, stop, rest, repeat. 

Today, before I rode I repeated the work from Monday. Clearly she remembered- her shift of attention  to me was immediate and fast. When I rode I kept my crop with me so when I needed her attention I waved it and her ear flicked back immediately. The one time it didn't I disengaged her hind end and that was that. 

The nifty thing was that by the end of the ride I just had to gently squeeze a rein and her ear would flick back. Even when worried about things, by having one ear on me her tightness and stiffness was not as bad. That's because horses are not good multi-taskers. Of course neither am I. 

It's nice to know that she realizes I'm up there. 

even when watching out for  trip hazards

And one more thing: My son returned from the middle east earlier this month. He had to quarantine for 2 weeks but that was over last week. He and Ripley were reunited and it was so sweet. 

If this doesn't warm your heart you need to seek help

Hot Stuff

This week we had a heatwave roll through. The temperatures were higher than what we typically get in July. My thermometer was registering at 37 at one point (98 Fahrenheit).  I had a lesson booked for 1:00 on Friday. Shanea texted me to see if I still wanted to do it and I said yes.

I know it was super hot but in my defence, Carmen doesn't mind the heat as much as I do. We also did a lot of walk breaks. Shanea gave a lesson focussing on being precise and clear in my aids. Carmen has been a bit tight and reactive earlier in the week. I even started her back on some omeprazole and it has made an improvement. With the rain we had the week before and then the heat I think that the grass has changed.

It was super hot but she looked good

Anyway, the goal was to have her soft and bending and responsive to the aids. Through the ride Carmen would get tight and hard on the bit and my job was to bend and soften her. If she barged through and got hard and fast I was to half-halt and, if that didn't work, halt. A couple times she tried to spin and bolt. The spin was successful but not the bolt. It was helpful to be reminded to keep the aids fluid and not just hang on the bit in the futile hope that she would magically soften and come through.

not bad here

It was very much a bread-and-butter lesson but it was very useful. I believe that there can never be too much time on the basics. We did a lot of shoulder in. A lot. But it kept her straight on the aids and decreased the chance that she would spook. 

 One thing that has been a bit of an issue is to keep her balance through the canter-trot transition. Like many horses, the tendency is to fall on the forehand and plow through. But these are getting much better. Of course we could only do a few and then break. 

We also did a few trot half-passes. Well we tried anyway. Which is better than not trying.

not a bad reach with her front and I'm not all over the place

We finished with a little walking and then stopped. When I dismounted I realized how hot I was. Carmen enjoyed her hosing off quite a bit. The next day I rode earlier and it was a pretty good ride.

Carmen was pulling a bit of stuff but nothing major and I kept her one the aids. After the ride I hosed her and then Irish off. The poor guy was really minding the heat. Later that day I was filling the water trough and the horses were standing nearby. He looked so hot, I turned the hose on him, starting with his legs. He stood there and then turned towards me and then the other side so I could hose that off too. Carmen even let me hose her off without leaving.

The heat wave ended on sunday. I don't really want it to be that hot every day but I did enjoy sitting on the deck reading and sipping some iced tea.

Not Sloppy Seconds: Lesson Recap

If all had gone according to plan, this would be the first show of the year. Of course, this is not normal times. 

wait, what irresponsible person just lets her horse graze free?

I honestly thought I'd be more upset about it. Turns out I am okay about it. I do miss all my friends though and maybe by the time of the second show I'll feel different. For now, though, I'm enjoying working with Carmen. 

Well, sort of. 

You see, earlier this week Carmen became really spooky with all the stuff that comes with it: tension, bolting, refusing to listen. I had two very horrible rides. Both times we ended up in a, well, not exactly good place, but a better one anyway. 

I did a lot of thinking about it and realized that it might be feed related. I have had to put Carmen on a diet because she has been putting on weight. I was worried about her vitamin needs and so I put her back on the supplement I had her on earlier. I thought with the reduced intake of feed it would be okay. But it really is not. So I stopped it. 

Today I had a lesson booked and Julia came out to ride with us. We started with a hack (just like the last rides) and it was clear that Carmen was much more settled. We did the whole hack on a loose rein.  We arrived back at the ring at the same time as Shanea. I explained what we had been dealing with and then we headed out to work. 

The purpose was to keep her with me. Because she was so much better that was a lot easier than it had been. Not that we were without issues. 

In case you want to see a close up:

There were good moments too- in fact far more good than bad. Although this capture makes me laugh: 

if dressage doesn't work out maybe we could be a cutting team

Shanea had me use shoulder fore while riding serpentines and she became supple and quiet. 

It was a great feeling to have things work. 

nice halt. I'm giving her a pat for being such a good girl

We practiced our walk-canter transitions. To the right they were really good. To the left she became a bit frazzled with anticipation and worry. So I stopped and let her set her rabbits free. I then picked up the reins and we started again. After a few walk-trot transitions I asked her to canter. She would get flat and lean on the bit. Shanea had me practice cantering from the halt. It was cool to practice it and feel the lift. 

Carmen was being so good that we decided to finish up with practicing turn on the haunches. I hate to say it, but I am just not getting it. I was getting frustrated so I asked Shanea to hop up and work on it with Carmen so that she could figure it out and I could see it. 

Carmen: what is this bullshit? I thought I was done

It was good to watch Shanea work with her. I was relieved that it wasn't easy (does that make me a bad person?) but it was interesting to watch them work through and see Carmen start to understand. I took some video to study. 

It was a really enjoyable lesson and a lot of fun was had. I think I am okay if this year is all about the schooling and not showing. 

Carmen: How much schooling are you planning on?
I'm exhausted and clearly wasting away to nothing

Excuse Me While I Get Off My High Horse

I've been really struggling with what to write these days. I have some things to write about but they all seem so trite right now. Like anyone with a scrap of morals, I was appalled to see white cops murder a black man in broad daylight; seemingly oblivious to the crime they were committing. (also, if you want to argue with as to whether it was a crime, just fuck off).

honestly, why is this even a bone of contention? The fact that it
has to be said and that others react negatively to it says more about them and
the reason as to why it has to be said in the first case 

I am a middle aged white woman (or I am if you believe that I will live to be 112 lol, but whatever). while I have faced many challenges because I am female (from the ridiculous to the irritating to the downright frightening and everything in between), I have not had to deal with people viewing me as a threat because of the colour of my skin.

So I haven't written anything. I wasn't sure what to write or even if I had anything new to say.

Or if I had the right.

Because I am older (and hopefully more mature) I let things simmer in my mind a bit to see what comes out. Then I saw a post on FB by Lysette. She is a black equestrian hunter jumper rider. She also has this beautiful horse that I'd love to see her do dressage with, but I digress......

feeling the need to break up the text with an old photo. 

Here's the story. And yes I am about to call out an old white equestrian named Denny Emerson. Hang on, the why will become apparent in a moment. You see, Danny wrote a post on his FB page decrying the lack of diversity in the horse world and how we should all do better. It was nicely written and spot on.

Except it turned out to be just that. You see, Lysette challenged him to reach out and do more with his platform to highlight black equestrians. it was apparent that that made him uncomfortable and he responded that he really didn't know any black horse people. So she challenged him again (politely) and he basically told her to shut  up or he would block her. If you want to see it- here it is:

I'm pretty sure he missed the total irony of his telling a young black woman to shut up while he was decrying the racial bias in his sport. 

This post is not to encourage anyone to pile on Danny. I am writing it because I think it underlines that words are not enough. And that we are uncomfortable as white people doing more. Maybe because we don't know what to do. Or because we worry we'll do the wrong thing? Or we're old and tired. There are many reasons. None of them really any good. 

Like the meme going around says, it's not enough to be non-racist anymore. We have to be anti-racist. 

I always say that I more happy with the 'wrong' answer from Carmen than no answer. Because that means she's trying. So I need to do the same. I often say that Nova Scotia is largely white. And maybe it is. But also I need to recognize that we still a very segregated province with the majority of our black citizens living together in neighbourhoods. Either because we forced them to or for safety (likely both).  I grew up in a culture that was subtly or not-so-subtly racist. I recognized the more obvious ones but missed a lot of the small ones. 

When I think back, I knew only one black equestrian. I never thought about it before. If I had I think I would have reached the conclusion that it was because of the disparity of population. Clearly that is wrong. white people are not more likely to lovely horses than people of other colours. That makes no sense. I think that we need to reach out to encourage others to explore their love of horses. 

I also need to stop saying 'we'. That distributes the responsibility and dilutes it. I need to do more. I need to work actively to make the world a safer place for others. And, in total honesty, I don't really know how. Where do I start? I do know that I am no longer going to look the other way at racist comments, jokes or barbs. 

I am going to do some thinking about this and seek out ideas from others. 

________

I also want to say that Lysette has no idea that I wrote this post. I am going to reach out to her and if she wants me to I will take it down. 

The Last Breath of May

this is from last week- the trees are now leafing out nicely

Spring is turning into summer. Our weather has turned warm and with it the black flies have come out. I don't know if it's because of the mild winter but they seem to be especially fierce this year. I had a lesson booked for Thursday evening and I got ready as per usual. I coated Carmen and I in fly spray and there was a nice breeze. I figured it would be okay. 

It was not okay. Carmen was being driven mad by the biting, swarming little demons. And frankly so was I. I lunged her to see if that helped. Finally I looked at her, she was trying very very hard but was barely keeping it together. I decided that it just wasn't worth it. It felt more like torture and I couldn't see what value we would gain. So I cancelled. Shanea was very understanding. We decided that, until the flies calmed down, we'd have to ride in mornings. 

the old apple tree at the edge of the field is in bloom. the smell is heavenly. 

Friday we did groundwork. I realized that it had been a while since I had done a session of just groundwork. When I was done, I slipped her halter and let her graze while I sat in the ring enjoying the warmth. Saturday I awoke with a massive headache. Fortunately the weather was dreary and drizzly so I spent the day in idleness, doing a few chores and reading. 

Irish amuses me- he's been coming with his flymask askew. What
really makes me laugh is that he has his left ear in the right ear cover.
Not even sure how he did it. 

Sunday morning Julia wanted to ride early after her night shift. That worked for me and my head was 100% better. I wanted to try on her new fly bonnet I bought to match my black and blue saddle pad. It was made by Fun Bonnets. I had order from her in the past and really like her work. She did not disappoint. 

When I mounted and we walked off from the mounting block Carmen began to pin her ears and hump a bit. I was surprised because she just doesn't do that. I gave her rein and let her walk. She kept her ears pinned and shook her head. I stopped her and did some thinking. I wasn't sure what was going on but decided to head into the woods to see if she improved. Which she did. Our hack was lovely. 

Back in the ring I found her to be forward and responsive. In fact, I found her to be a bit 'noodley'- which was better than being hard sided and stiff. Despite our start she was actually stretching out over the back and really reaching for the bit. 

random photo of Ripley trying to get her stick into her pool 

We worked on straightness and her adjustability. To the left is was easier to get her forward and back in the gait. On the right rein she wasn't so adjustable so we practiced with trot-walk-trot, gradually shortening the walk steps until it was trot-almost walk- trot forward. 

I know that Carmen's saddle needs to be adjusted (soon) and the saddle pad I used was thinner than the one I had been using. I wonder if she was feeling the difference and, at first, not liking it but then discovering it was more comfortable. Or she was being stung by something. I don't know. 

What I do know is that we had a ride without any fights or blowups. We finished the ride in a happy place and that has been my goal. The sun came out during our ride and the day ended up being a beautiful summery day. I spent the whole day outside enjoying the warmth. When you live in Canada you really appreciate it when things warm up. Even with the bugs. 

and doesn't she look pretty in her bonnet?