That's how it feels.
Not that this is going to be a wallowing post. I promise. Well maybe a little bit. It's not that I've not experienced grief and loss before. I have. But it never gets easier.
The response to my blog was tremendous. It went viral over FB and then beyond. That post have over 10,000 hits. That led to lots of people getting in touch. And it opened me up to some who were looking to add to my pain. I had to put on the comment moderation feature. I'm glad that I did. Some 'comments' were so awful that they left me shaking. It would be easy to focus on those and let the whole experience make me bitter. But I refuse to allow that. It would be a dishonour to Steele who's approach to life was one of optimism and confidence. And it would make me a lesser person. I do not want to do either of those.
So let me tell you about the incredible generosity of spirit offered by friends, family and perfect strangers. Some have shared their stories of similar loss, not to take away from my experience but to let me know that they understand. Two friends came by on the one week anniversary of his death to make sure that I was not alone. We have received flowers, cards, calls, emails and hugs. A woman I barely know sent me a painting that she did of Steele. It is incredible. But I can't show it to you because it's off being framed. I cannot begin to list all the small kindnesses and love shown to us. But I am grateful to everyone.
Ed has been my rock. Despite his own pain every time I turn around he's there trying to look after me. I was unable to sleep - I keep reliving everything every time I closed my eyes. My doctor gave me some sleeping pills which are helping. Being able to sleep makes it easier. The daily chores of work, barn and house help establish a rhythm.
There was a special gift under my tree from a dear friend.
|Steele in a SnowGlobe|
Another friend sent me this poem:
Requiem for a Spanish Horse
The eyes tell all
bold blood of ancient breed
gazing out in curious joy
fringed in beauty and
as deep as a starry night sky.
Quiet respect flows through that great heart
beating within the curved chest,
bonded horse and woman
woven, golden thread by
through daily patient persistent intent,
Those eyes are closed now
the heart is still
and we as the human halves
of this equine equation
must suffer the curse of memory
and rage at the broken bond
and stories stolen from us too soon -
Yet comfort comes in unfathomable form
A dream, the hour before waking
an endless herd of joyous galloping,
tall and small, all colours and shapes
and there in the centre
our boy, our beautiful perfect boy
mane flying, tail plumed, carefree bucking
in a prairie of scented, flowing grass -
There were people, too
some astride, some running beside
no saddles nor bridles needed
in perfect balance and harmony
There in the centre,
our beautiful, perfect boy
solid and whole.
Day by day my heart is being eased by the love and friendship of those around me.