Whatever

There's something personal going that I'm not going to blog about (maybe later but most likely not). Anyway, this personal thing involves something that will be incredibly emotionally painful and draining. And for a brief time today I thought I had a reprieve. The weight lifted off was indescribable. But then it turned out that I was wrong and it came crashing back down.

Poor Cynthia was with me- she had come to ride Irish. I think that if she hadn't been there I would have gone into the house and just hid. But she drove all this way and I couldn't send her back home because I was in some sort of crisis.

But Teresa, I hear you saying, you shouldn't ride if you are emotionally not stable.

And you are correct- it's a bad idea to ride if you are upset or angry or generally out of whack (technical term).

I know this.

And still, I said 'fuck it' and got my horse ready.

Did I mention that Carmen hadn't been ridden since Sunday?

Are you worried about me yet?

Here's the thing- when you have experience with anxiety and depression you learn to shove it all down deep and then put your foot on the trap door.

Which is what I did.

So when I mounted Carmen and she was a bit tense I simply said 'whatever'. I honestly didn't care if I came off.

I sat up and gave her rein and when she sucked back I booted her forward. When she spooked I simply put my leg on and we went.

Carmen became confused. But not in a I don't know what you want way. More like a what's up with you? way.

And she actually tried to meet me half-way. And the 3/4 of of the way. And then we were riding around and it was easy.

In the end it was a very good ride. There was no drama or big spooks. A couple little ones but nothing to write home about.

We rode around the field and I gave her a loose rein and we trotted part of the way.

But the joy of riding was missing. Which is not what I want. I know, though, that the joy will come back.

I just need to figure out how to be all 'whatever' but joyfully.

How hard could that be?

Throwing in the Towel: One Year Later

Today is the anniversary of a turning point with Carmen. Feel free to read if you like but in sum I realized that Carmen was becoming dangerous for me to ride and I was done. Done with all of it. I called in a trainer and if it didn't work out I was going to sell her. My rant to Ed was:

I've put in fucking hours and hours. I've worked, taken lessons, worked some more and we're still at the same fucking place we were last year. I'm done. I want to show. I want to ride and not worry that I'll be dumped. I want to have some fun AND I WANT STEELE BACK. I'm tired of mourning him and my mother and dealing with shit. 

It's been quite the year. There are numerous posts about the ups and downs we experienced. I had to park my ego at the gate and listen to other perspectives. I had to be brave and ride even when I didn't want to. I did hours and hours of ground work.

And where are we now?

Carmen ground ties. She self-loads into the trailer and she whoas when I ask her to. She understands what I'm asking her for and it doesn't freak her out anymore.

And she's still dramatic. And will test me. But I'm not as worried about it anymore.

Today I rode her after the farrier left. The wind picked up and was gusty. I figured it would keep the bugs away. I had just finished tacking her up when I heard rain on the roof.
Me: Is that rain? 
Carmen:  Yes. Too bad. You will have to untack me. And I was so looking forward to it too. 
Me: It looks like it's just over the barn and no where else.....
Carmen:  and I requested that it be larger...
Me: Pardon? 
Carmen:  Oh, nothing I was just talking to myself.  Now where were we? Oh yes, you were about to untack me and turn me back out. 
Me: I think that it will be fine. Let's risk it. 
Carmen:  Darn it. 

 The leaves are now in and the grass is tall around the ring. This means that there are lots of things that move and potentially spooky. And she was. Spooky that is.

But this time instead of me feeling helpless to work through it and scared that I would be hurt I just rode her through it. I am refusing to avoid any part of the ring and I am sticking to the plan. I am better (not perfect) at not buying into worrying about the same things that she is. So if she's all 'ohmygod what is hiding in the grass?! We're all going to die" I refuse to worry about the grass too (as in ohmygod she's going to freak when we go by that grass!"). Instead I focus on what I was asking
Hey, we're going into the corner and you need to be bent around my inside leg, not gawking out of the ring".

I'm not afraid to make my point either. I ask lightly but will use as strong an aid as required to make my point.  And then let go. I don't get upset - although I might get momentarily flustered. The ring is the ring and she has to work in there. It's not about making her tired or bullying.

So my ride today was full of energy and some spooks (but no bolts) and we finished on a good note. And no one died.

And no towels were thrown.

If we ride here we can ride anywhere

Please Ma'am- I Want Some More

Since Carmen and I have come home our rides are going so well.  The last two ones I walked her up and hopped on. I did not need to lunge or work her 'through' anything.

I think we have an understanding of each other. I am fine with her worrying but the listening is non-negotiable. She is still not above spooking when she feels that she has done enough work. I'm doing the 'spooking leads to more work' approach. I have confident that I know the difference between a genuine 'EEEK' vs a 'eek I cannot possibly work anymore'.

But now that I'm not spending 40 minutes working on getting her attention I need to figure out what do now. I realized that yesterday I was feeling a bit frustrated because our transitions were not 'through' enough for me.

I then realized that 2 weeks ago I was trying to get her to steer reliably.

Turns out I want more. I'm feeling much more relaxed with her even when she's being a bit tense or spooky. And when she does spook (which is now much rarer) it doesn't take much to get us back. Our canter work is much straighter too.

And she's happier. Not always and sometimes she gets a wee bit cranky. But it's not really serious and I try to listen to her. It's feeling like a partnership.

So the timing is great for the clinic I'm in this weekend. It's with Johanna and I am hoping that she can give us some exercises and homework. Last year we could only walk - turned out to be saddle fit.  Then I can start back again with Shanea- we've been having some scheduling difficulties.

Dressage- it sucks you in and makes you want more and more. 

I'd say wish us luck but I really mean wish us a great learning experience. 

Good Rides are Not Free

If you've been reading my blog lately you know that I have been having some really awesome rides. I was not foolish enough to think that 'bad' rides were behind us. And it's not that she hasn't been testing me periodically. Our good rides were the result of the work I did last year and being consistent this year.

Alternative Title: It must be a full moon. 

Part of me figured that once the grass and leaves came in enough to wave that there might be future issues. Today proved me right. I came home from work and had time to ride before dinner. It was windy and Carmen was definitely 'up'. I lunged her and she was definitely reactive to stuff. When I went to mount she scooted away. I brought her back and got on.

I definitely earned my stripes. She was reactive, tight, stiff and resistant. And I thought about dismounting but decided that I could work through this.

Alternative title: How to Tame Your Dragon

To be honest she didn't feel frightened to me. She felt not in the mood for this right now thankyouverymuch.  

So I started using the tools that I had in my disposal. Tools given to me by Royce, Karen, Shanea and Jane. I have to say that I think my seat is a LOT more solid then it has been. I kept to the plan that I had which was to use the ring and practice our transitions. She did a few mini bolts, lots of trying to NOT go places and calling on me to really ride. 

not so much fun to ride

I was happy that I did not get angry or scared or even upset. We had to work through this because there are going to be lots of times where's not sure or in the mood or want to do what I ask. 

And she has to do it anyway. 

Alternative Title: Just Do It, Horse

I realized that as we were going around she was ignoring my leg when I was asking her to go forward and she didn't want to. I stopped and picked up the crop. Now Carmen does not like the crop. She will kick at it or hump or shake her head. I decided that I didn't care about that. So we began the lesson of leg means go and if not then leg + crop means GO. 

Funnily enough our trot work had moments of feeling absolutely brilliant. Her canter transitions were effortless. But then it would be spoiled by sudden tension and stiffening her front legs and bouncing to a halt.  FYI- that is not comfortable. 

I tried to stay on task and ignore the grass. I understand that she doesn't like the grass blowing and we have a 2 year history of that causing difficulties. 

Alternative Title: Dramatic Spanish Mare is Dramatic

It was one of the more dramatic sessions I have had with Carmen and definitely the most this year.  But no way am I joining. Two drama Llamas are two too many. So I stuck to my plan of the moment. If I was asking for a walk transition at K and she spun away I returned to K and asked again. I wasn't looking for her to be okay with the waving grass- I was demanding that she focus on me anyway. 

an oldie but illustrative

And in the end it worked. 

Alternative Title: Stay the Course

In the end we had some reasonable work. I was able to walk, trot and canter all over the ring and have her listen to me. 

Make no mistake, if this happens in a test I will be lucky to break 40. 

But if I'm showing and she's like that and we manage to work through it anyway I will frame that test and be very happy. Because I would have earned it through my blood, sweat and tears. 

SaveSave

A Work in Progress

Sometimes I love when I'm wrong.

Let me explain.

I wanted to fit in one more lesson with Shanea before the show. Based on her schedule and the weather report (seriously rain- you can stop now) we set it for Wednesday after work.  When I got home it was really gusty. The wind would calm and then blow really hard. In the barn Carmen was a bit tense. She actually scooted once (I think in response to the cat coming up the driveway). I put her back and was finishing my groom when the wind started blowing an empty water bucket right at her. She began to dance in place rolling her eyes at me
Help! It's attacking. DO SOMETHING.
I got the bucket and put it out of the wind. I was impressed that she didn't take off but stayed where I had ground tied her.

By now I was resigned to a lesson on a tense, spooky horse. After all that's how she is in this weather. And also, the grass is long enough to wave in the wind.

However, up in the ring she seemed to immediately relax.  As we worked it was clear that she was well in her comfort zone and while she was looking at the waving things she wasn't overly concerned. Could it be? I wondered. After warming up on the lunge I mounted and we walked off. I was able to pretty much walk her everywhere with no fuss. There were spots were there was some fuss but she is Carmen after all and I cannot take her for granted.

After we were walking for a bit Shanea arrived and we started our lesson. I explained what we had done in our lesson with Jane (and can I say how nice it is that Shanea completely supported my taking lessons from someone else).

Then Carmen and I proceeded to start one of our best schooling sessions ever. It was amazing- she stayed with me the whole time and there was no drama or disagreements. We had a few bobbles but she came right back to me as soon as I asked. The few spooks we had were small and easily handled. I've noticed that I don't react as strongly as I used to- in fact a few times I didn't 'react' other then to put her back on the aids and we carried on.

I'm going to share some highlights and some photos. The photos were not chosen becasue they were perfect. I'm guilty of trying to pick just the best ones to put in the blog. Not because I want you to think that I'm perfect (well maybe a little) but because it's a risk when you post photos that you will be picked apart and/or that someone will leap to wrong conclusions. But I worry that we start to think that horse training should always be perfect and easy That the rider and horse are always happy and keen.

That's not true. Horse training is hard and it often looks terrible. So here are my photos- some of which are good moments and some that are not. And I'm okay with that because that's the truth of where we are right now.

keepign the outside rein and giving the inside

The key for Carmen is to keep the outside rein at all costs.  I cannot be giving it away because it is our anchor and keep us on task. That means that when she bends to the outside I have to give and take the inside and not throw away the outside. Since I've been working on that Carmen has begun to trust it and  as soon as I steady teh outside rein she steadies. The give and take of the inside is a work in pogress and I have to be prepared to be as firm as I needed.

Giving the rein for her to stretch will sometimes result in her grabbing the bit and pulling and/or going behind the vertical.

The tricky part is to keep riding forward when she sucks back becasue she really shortens the bottom oher neck and tighten. The bending helps there too.

We introduced the idea of the free walk on a long rein. That is hard for Carmen because she needs the contact to feel safe. The first few times were not pretty as we approached the corners. Shanea talked me through how to use my legs to provide the contact through gentle pressure and not throw the reins away but keep my connection. I'm not sure how I did with that but as we kept working she began to understand the 'ask' and tried.

This is as good as we got and frankly I'm thrilled even though it probably wouldn't 'score' well in a test. The truth is that at our show our 'free walk on a long rein' is likely to be a 'free-ish walk on a long-er rein'  I love how she has an ear on me and is trying (also note that wind is blowing her tail sideways). 

We did a lot of work on staying straight. Our homework is paying off in this. It's not that we're peferctly straight all the time but we recover it muchc more easily - even at the canter. Working on the quarterlines has showed me how much support she needs to stay straight and we're cheating going on the wall. We may not pass a sobriety test at this point in time. 

what is this 'straight' thing?

We did some work on canter as well. It's coming along. At first it was a bit compressed and not very forward (especially going towards the far end). But it got better and better. 

really  not sure about where we're going but doing it anyway. 

Even though she was uncertain she listened and went anyway. And then I felt her change a gear and she started taking the canter to the bridle. I was so excited I let her do it but then she got over powered and lost control of it so we had to get it back. Oops. I need to help her find the forward and help her balance the power she has. A few times she threw her haunches in but listened to my seat and went straight without a lot of flailing or drama. 

My phone died at this point so there are no pictures but trust me- it was lovely. 

Being able to use the whole ring without the big battles has been so useful. Having Carmen tune into me for direction and trusting me is incredible. My attitude has improved as well and I'm less judgemental about her worries. When she's soft everything is so fluid and it's easier. I love how trainable she's becoming.

I'm pleased with the photos that show a good moment and I'm pleased with the ones that don't. Becasue we're working on it. 

From the Ground Up

It's no secret that I am a fan of ground work. It has been the key to unlocking Carmen under saddle. And I definitely did not do it alone. Royce and Johanna spring to mind as being the most instrumental in teaching me how to work with her.

I now cannot imagine working with her without ground work. For me it starts when I go to get her. How she responds to my cues and body language gives me valuable information on what I need to work on.  For myself I try to keep the 3 C's in mind:

1. Clear- I need to know what I want from her and ensure that I am asking correctly. When she doesn't respond the way I want I stop to think whether it's because she's tuning me out or if I'm being fuzzy. Or on some days it's both.

2. Consistent- It starts in the barn with the ground tying. If I put her feet in a certain spot she doesn't get to shuffle around. When I lapse and do let her do that it colours the rest of the session.

3. Calm- I need to be calm and not buy into any drama no matter how tempting. I'm find the sponge vs mirror imagery working well for me.

Despite my best hopes,  the weather on the weekend sucked. It was cold with a bitter north wind adding to the weather.

at least one creature is enjoying the snow. 

Saturday I was determined to work with Carmen. It was clear from the beginning that she was wound tight. Her entire body was rigid as we walked up to the ring and the wind was blowing (not as bad as the day before but still it was a stiff wind).  I worked with her helping her to stay in control and minimize her reactivity. She spooked and scooted quite a few times and tried to bolt a few times but I was able to get her back each time. Not too long into the session I decided that I was not going to ride. There really seemed to be no point. It would have been an awful ride for both of us. Instead I focussed our session on our partnership from the ground.

She never truly relaxed. But we were able to stay in step and she was being prompt and obedient to my voice and body language. I called it a good session and we headed to the barn. I realized that her poll was very tight and stiff. Chicken or egg? Who knows. But I spent some time gently rubbing it and asking her lightly stretch. I then spent a long time grooming and fussing over her. In the end she was a sleepy puddle of a horse.

Sunday was a write off- it was snowing and cold. Sigh. But the kids came to visit and Alec brought his puppy so it was a fun day.

Monday, of course, was lovely. I left work and decided I was not doing exercise class but would ride instead. Carmen was more relaxed from the beginning. Not too bad in the barn although she needed a few reminders to not move around it was less related to tension and more to 'hey Irish still has food I should help him'.  It was breezy and she was thinking that she should be spooking at stuff. I was sure that she didnt' need to and after a bit of ground work she was fine with all of it.

I mounted and she became stiff again. Tight and looking at stuff, ready to run away. I kept my seat in the saddle (no tightening) and rode her positively forward. Or is that forward with positivity? Never mind, you get the idea. Last year I would have gotten upset and tense too.

But not this year.

 I know that Carmen can be brave and calm because I've seen it.  But that's a story that requires it's own blog post so I'll leave it for now.

In the past as she would get wound up I would try to ride 'softer' and 'gentler'. But that never worked . This time I put my leg on, put my seat firmly in the saddle (not in a half-seat) and rode her forward. I felt her immediately relax. She needs to know that I'm there. I believe that my attempts to be softer left her feeling rudderless. Now she was not always in agreement with where we were going and thought that a complete counter bend to the right when we were going left would allow her to watch those trees that obviously were not to be trusted. I could care less about the trees but I did care about the bend so I fixed that. And fixed it. And fixed it again.

And in the end I had a horse soft and listening to my aids. I found a spot and jumped off. I thought that I hadn't been riding for long but when I checked my phone it had been a lot longer then it felt. I rubbed her poll and it was soft.

I know that I am afraid of history repeating itself. But I'm going to not worry about what might be and take it one session at a time.